I Wanna Do Porn

I have actually wanted to do porn for a long time.

I'm like a sexual energizer bunny. I like to and can have sex for long periods of time. I'm an exhibitionist. I love, love, love to be watched while I'm naked and especially while I'm having sex. I'm enough of a narcissist that I like to see myself in photos and on film. I've enjoyed the relatively tame but sexy photo shoots I've done so far.

I've considered being in porn, the good kind that I like, for years. Half the people I know from San Francisco when I worked at the peep show and porn-star-owned gallery have been in things like the The Crash Pad Series or NoFauxxx.com or Cocksexual.com or Kink.com or whatever. I know the right people to do it in a way I'd feel good about, and I think it'd be pretty fun.

I know that acting in porn isn't all it might seem. It's kind of athletic work, it's stop and go, you have to cheat out to the camera, etc. I think I might actually like that, though. I enjoy a performance. I like working hard, including working hard with my body and working hard in sex. It's likely enough that I at least want to try it.

But.

The thing about porn is that once you do it, it's out there forever. This is even more true since the dawn of the internet. Once my face and naked, fucking body are recorded in any medium, I can't ever take that back. I would of course use Paradox, my chosen name, but a face is a face. I could be recognized.

With stripping and with domming, I could do the work and then walk away. There wasn't much of a record of what I'd been doing. I wrote about it here, sure, and the barrier between my blog and my real name isn't THAT high. But nobody could take the product of that work home with them, or send it to someone else. There wasn't really proof I'd been doing it, unless somehow a client snuck a photo. (This never happened, to my knowledge.) Nobody would know unless I told them.

This fact has stopped me so far. I may at one point want to work with adolescents. One of the options I might like to pursue in sex education is teaching the teens who need it most how to navigate sexuality and relationships. I want to leave that open for myself. The stigma around porn could really hurt my chances.

On the other hand, when have I ever bowed to a stigma? When have I let other people's false ideas about an activity stop me from doing it in my own way? When, if I feel comfortable and happy about something I want, have I paused in pursuing it just because someone told me I shouldn't? It's rare, and I don't like giving in that way.

It's certainly a dilemma. Any input?

3 comments:

Michael Halila said...

Obviously if doing porn means you can't have the career you want, then it probably isn't worth it. If you're genuinely conflicted about doing it, I can only share my way of thinking on life's big questions:

If you don't do it, will you regret the decision?

None of us know what's going to happen in the future, so in my opinion all we can do is try to live today in a way that we won't look back and feel ashamed or sorry about. It's easy for me to speak as it isn't my ass on the line (in this case more literally than usual!), but ask yourself if not doing porn is something you'd regret later when you don't have the chance any more.

Paradox said...

I think, if I'm honest with myself, that I'm just going to end up doing it at some point. It kind of makes too much sense. People like Carol Queen and Nina Hartley and Buck Angel and various others have managed to do some kind of porn and still be sex educators. They just work with adults.

I might be content with that, and also making porn that I like and I can stand by and which I feel contributes positively to our culture of sex might be a part of my life work. So we'll see. I'm chewing on this, and I'll probably come to a decision soon.

Britni TheVadgeWig said...

I wish I had better advice for you, except that I find myself in the same situation. I want to do porn, but my career is one that could really be jeapordized by that.

If you actually go through with it and do it, I'll be totally envious.

On living, loving, learning, and fucking with the materials I've got at hand.

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