Tired

Renegade Evolution wrote a post about how tired she is of the feminist sex wars and all their resulting baggage. It's a long post and she goes into a lot more depth about how this affects her personally, but I share the overall sentiment.

I read a lot of blogs and I see so much hostility that seems so unnecessary. We all ultimately want the same sex equality and sexual health. Why should we be so vicious in arguing over our tactics for making it happen?

I think a lot of it is based on the anonymity of the internet. It's easy to keep a closed mind and direct anger and shame at people you disagree with when your name and face aren't behind your words. It's too easy to dehumanize the other side when all you see of them is the written word and sometimes a picture. Not like when a person is standing there in front of your face, breathing and emoting.

I think the personal anger on each side is in fact justified because everyone has been personally attacked. That's not fair, it hurts, and in turn it angers. But of course then the cycle starts all over again.

I think Jane at good girls don't put it best in her very excellent post on Operation Cross Country and sex work.

I don’t think sex work is a “free” choice, nor do I think it’s a reconstitution of the patriarchy. I think it’s something in between.

I recommend reading the whole post, as she eloquently covers a lot of the nuances missing in this discussion. There's so much grey area here and when we get caught up in these black and white verbal fist fights we miss all of it. I hope that we can find a better way of discussing this that involves a lot more mutual respect.

Feminism vs. Real Life

Courtney at Feministing wrote about the ways her feminist ideals differ from her actual life, and invited others to do the same. I think this is a really good exercise in self-awareness, so I'm going to try to answer her.

1. I'm incredibly self conscious about how I dress and what I look like at all times. I know that there's no need for me to always be sexy or attractive, but I can't help the running commentary in my head that compares my own appearance to other women's in a very competitive, distinctly un-feminist way. I try, but it sneaks in. (I do dress however the hell I want, but I'm very aware of when I look different from how I'm "supposed to.")

2. I have and often give into the urge to take care of people much more than I let them do so for me.

3. I make all kinds of assumptions about people based on their gender (and race and apparent sexuality) which may have nothing to do with reality. Things like men are going to be less progressive or women will be more sexually shy or black people won't want anything to do with me because I'm white or queer people won't be misogynistic. I try to be aware that I'm doing this and at least not act on my assumptions, but I know I have them.

4. I enjoy blatantly misogynistic pop culture: movies, tv shows, music, etc. Sometimes it's as a cultural critic and sometimes it's just because it's got a catchy beat or a satisfying good vs. evil plot line. I like James Bond.

5. I buy lots of products whose production I know nothing about, including beauty products, clothing, and random toys. I do try to be conscientious most of the time, but other times I just go with convenience. I'm more of a thoughtless consumer than I feel I should be.

6. On a very basic level, I take advantage of gender roles by getting guys to pay to see me naked. Most of them wouldn't do it (or at least wouldn't spend as much as they do) if the male sexual role didn't prevent them from having intimacy outside sexual situations or from finding real sexual satisfaction in their unpaid interactions. (This is a complicated issue which I'd like to talk about more in depth but haven't gathered together the time and thoughts yet.)

Links Because I Read Too Many Blogs not to Share

I've been keeping up with my feed reader, so I've found some very interesting posts I'd like to share with you. I know I haven't been good about blogging this week. Too much school and an on the fly trip to NYC will do that to a person.

My Sexual Manifesto
Essin' Em shares her sex commandments, all of which I agree with heartily. I, too, have noticed that almost all the sex I've been having has been good. It's a wonderful change and without a doubt due to my better ability to communicate about what I want and ask how to please my partner, even after a brief acquaintance.

What Women Want and the Myth of the Psychic Lesbians
Greta Christina writes a spot-on post about how lesbians don't actually automatically know how to please every other woman because they've got the same kind of genitals. We're all different!

Is Sex Work Queer?
Jane at good girls don't asks if sex work is queer and grapples quite well, I think, with the question. I think that sex work CAN be queer, and that it's most exciting when it is.

I Need Another Word for Vagina
Found this via synthetic pubes. The title seems fairly self-explanatory.

Six Ways to be an Ally
Great post by Silvia on how to be an ally to women of color if you aren't one. I struggle a lot with how to deal with my own privilege, and I think this is a good, thought-provoking post on doing just that. Fires me up even more to do what I can to dismantle privilege in general.

Spanked

Look at what I've been up to!



I don't really think I need to comment much, but I did find a post at Secret Confessions of a Smart Girl (as I was uploading the picture for my own post!) that sums up my feelings on it perfectly. I've been having a little hetero phase (they happen from time to time, as do lezzie phases) so it's right with my recent mindset.

...Fist your hand in my hair to pull me over your knee. I want you to pull my skirt up to my waist and my panties down to my knees and for the spanking to begin. I want to feel your hand hard against my ass, over and over again. I want to feel that tenting in your trousers as I squirm against them, so I know that what you are doing to me turns you on. Then, as you run your hand over my ass to feel the warmth you’ve created there, I want your fingers to dip lower. I want you to notice the dampness in my cunt so that you know that I am a naughty naughty girl. I want you to brush your fingers across my clit, and then I want you to hit me harder.

Yeah.

I Am a Ridiculous Individual

I just narrowly avoided accidentally having two guys I wanted to fool around with show up in my room at the same time. You know, simultaneous rendezvous.

It was an accident. My friend C had inquired as to my plans for the night and I'd invited him to hang out. He and I hooked up a couple times casually (read: drunk). We've been inching our way closer to sex again for the last few weeks.

The slow pace isn't my usual thing, especially since we've already done the whole sex thing, but I'm liking it. We cuddled and talked for hours the other week and it was lovely. I've been friends with C for years, and while it was weird at first to get sexually involved with him, I really enjoy the time we spend together. I was looking forward to pursuing it more.

He didn't respond, though, to my text telling him I was free and in my room. He'd said he wanted to hang out, but I thought maybe he got sidetracked or was busy. (It happens to the best of us.)

So then I got an instant message from this other fellow, A, who I hooked up with once maybe a month ago. He is in a fraternity, which I find funny, but he's pretty interesting and definitely cute. He's not shy talking in general and about sex, which I like. He asked what I was up to tonight and since I hadn't heard back from C, I invited him over. He said he'd be at my room in a half hour.

Five minutes later, I got a text message from C saying he was on his way to my room.

I had a brief moment of alarm. I would have preferred to see C, but had no easy way to blow off A since he was very definitely coming and was no longer online. I have his phone number, but that would have been either a very awkward conversation or a very rude text message. Since C and I were already friends, I figured I could text him to postpone, see him tomorrow, and it would all be fine.

Two hours later I'm pretty satiated and very much looking forward to tomorrow, when I get to see C. Which is why I am a ridiculous individual.

Lord knows either of said gentlemen could read this post and be miffed, but I'm hoping for the best. Everybody knows I don't do monogamy...it might be time to have a chat and disclose to C just how little monogamy I do, so there are no surprises.

Working on Valentine's Day

I went to work last night at the club, not sure at all what to expect. It was either going to be tons of lonely guys (and lots of lap dances) or a bunch of couples doing something "exciting" for Valentine's day instead of the usual candy hearts and hallmark special dinners.

It turned out to be a combination of both, of course, which made for a really strange night.

I'd say that most of the customers there last night were not people who regularly frequent strip joints. Probably around half of them had never been to a strip club before. Instead of lining up at the tip rails as usual, staying with a stack of ones for a few songs, people would walk up, give a dollar, and then go back to their tables.

There is nothing more awkward, or that I hate more, than dancing for a room chock full of aptly watching customers who don't come up and tip. Generally when I'm dancing, I do so to get a reaction: the reaction of giving me money.

Sure, there's some satisfaction in getting people to smile or having their attention, but in the club the way to show appreciation is through money. It's one dollar increments. It's not a whole lot to ask for or give, but what it really signifies is enjoyment, applause.

If no one's tipping, it feels like you're doing something wrong. When there's no customer sitting close by waiting for attention, you're just standing there on a large empty stage. There's no real interaction to use as a show, to get people's attention. You can't speak or sing a song. It's just the movement, just the dance, just your body.

I'm never more aware of my lonely self, exposed on that stage, than when fifty people are watching and not a one comes up to show me I'm doing a good job. A tip is such a small thing, but it does mean a lot when you're under that spotlight.

Last night, I did a good job of keeping my energy up and continuing to work despite the discouragement. By the end of the night, I even got people to come to the stage during my sets. It took a lot out of me, though, because I was working twice as hard for less than half the money. I don't think I'll be working a Valentine's Day again.

National Freedom to Marry Day

Why would you ever want to tear someone's family apart? Why?


"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Add your name to the petition begging the Supreme Court not to divorce thousands of families. Support rights. Spread love. Sign here.

Penetration?

I really don't like the word "penetration" when it pertains to sex. It suggests so much stabbing and unwillingness on the part of the penetratee. Like if you're taking someone inside your body, you're just lying there while they stick something into you. It sounds invasive. It connotes violence.

It's hard to find a word, though, that conveys the same action without being awkward. I find myself referring to intercourse as penetration in public contexts because it's the socially acceptable term for fucking. It's a euphemism, the word you can say on television or in a classroom. It's almost scientific. They use it in textbooks. It's like an official term. I use it all the time, for lack of a better word.

I really don't want to do this anymore.

A few weeks ago, I was reading a book on pornography (I can't remember which one, unfortunately) and instead of calling it penetration, they called it intromission.

Activities like fingering, dick in pussy, and strap-on anal are intromissive. To intromit very simply means "to enter." I don't think it has the same connotation of active and passive roles or of aggression that "penetration" has. It also preserves that scientific quality, the euphemism that's useful in stuffy situations. I definitely like it.

What do you think. Do you like/dislike the word penetration? Would you ever use "intromission" instead? I'm curious to see if it's something that could ever catch on.

Insatiable

Sex is so funny.

The more of it I have, the more of it I want. I mean, I do want sex all the time, but I especially want it after I've had some.

I got to have good sex for a few hours today, and it was lovely. I was quite tired and satisfied afterwards...for about five minutes. And then I was ready to go again. My ex-whatever calls me his energizer bunny. It's not so far off.

I'm pretty sure that if I could always be having sex, with short breaks for cuddling, I'd be a happy person. Of course there are lots of other things I want to do, but in a purely physical way I'd almost always rather be having sex.

I guess that's what they make vibrators for. I should get some rechargeable batteries so I'm not contributing to global warming with my masturbation.

Stripper A Victim of Vicious Burning Attack

Via Feministe:

Shortly after 1:30 a.m., 22-year-old Nathaniel Petrillo and 27-year-old Rianne Therialut-Odom allegedly called an unidentified dancer outside the Babes and Beer nightclub in Tarzana to meet with them. For unknown reasons, they poured a combustible liquid on her and set her ablaze. She then ran back inside the bar where people came to her aid.

The dancer is now listed in grave condition with severe burns over 60 percent of her body. The suspects took off in a metallic gold in color newer model four door sedan, police said.

And an update:

The woman’s name has been released as Roberta Busby. As of yesterday, she was reported to be in critical but stable condition. This is a relief and excellent news. Her attackers, however, still have not been found and arrested. You can view images of the suspects here. If you know anything, please immediately call the LAPD at 213-485-2531 (or 877-LAPD-24-7 for after-hours and weekend calls).

If you would like to help the children of dancer Roberta Busby, who was recently set on fire outside the club where she works, bring a check in to any Washington Mutual branch, made out to “Rodrigo Busby For The Benefit Of The Children Of Roberta Busby” or send a check to

3835 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd., #256
Westlake Village, CA 91362

It's just so shocking and awful that this happened. Like so many of the other bloggers who have helped bring attention to this, I don't know what to say. Please donate if you can, or at least spread the word so she can get the support she needs. It's incredible and terrifying that someone can face this kind of violence. I think it's definitely influenced by the fact of her work, whether she knew the perpetrators or not. This can't pass in silence.

Blow Job

Well, I just gave a blow job. And got nothing in return. Took about thirty seconds.

I guess it's a nice affirmation that I'm good at that, but it wasn't very satisfying. Even though I've been fantasizing about sex where I'm used by a man, I do want to get something out of it for myself. Perhaps I need to do a better job of articulating what's in it for me, and asking for it.

Yes, I do love giving head, and I like to please whoever I'm with, even and sometimes especially in the absence of my own physical release. It's about more than just an orgasm.

That's exactly it, though: it's about more than an orgasm. I don't want to be a masturbation toy. I don't mind (I like!) getting someone off, so long as they interact with me a little, make it into an exchange. If you don't swap physical pleasure, at least trade me some enjoyment and playfulness, or give and take some power.

This guy who just left after he came (I told him I wouldn't be calling him again) really just sat there and took it. He made very little noise, didn't voice much appreciation, didn't seem to give a thought to how I might feel about what I was doing. He just kinda came. I might as well not have been there.

I suppose, yes, I do feel used in the bad way. I'm not super upset about it, but it did get me thinking about the whole blow job queen scenario.

What do I want out from it? I want to feel like I'm giving someone pleasure, I want to see and feel their enjoyment. I like that. I get off on it. That's what I get out of it. There you go. This time, it was lacking.

By the way, for those who don't know, the "blow job queen" thing is actually a Liz Phair reference, from her excellent song Flower:


This is a disorganized post, I know, but it's just the thoughts as they came. Maybe I'll clarify this more in the future, figure it out a little better.

Make Love Not Porn

Now, I'm all about making both love and porn, but that's the name of a website one of my friends just pointed me to.

It's a cute, bright-pink exploration of the differences between porn sex and real sex. I think anyone who watches porn regularly could stand this reminder that porn is for liars. Yes, what they show looks good, but it doesn't always feel good. It's definitely worth checking out.

An excerpt from the site:

One of the many great things about sex is the sheer pleasure of skin on skin. It feels great to fuck with your arms around each other and your bodies pressed right up against each other. Not so much of that going on in porn because it gets in the way of the camera focusing right up close on the point of entry.

Of course, one of the things that excites me about porn is the opportunity it provides to educate about sex. It's important to remember in spite of this potential that so many of the messages it already teaches are false and often ridiculous. It never hurts to have that reminder in purple and with drawings.

*Update* There's been a lot of response to this site, and it's been pointed out that not all porn has the things the site's author was criticizing. This is definitely true and I don't agree with all her statements. However, I think it is a fun site in terms of just reminding us that porn and real life don't really match up.

Nearly-Anonymous Sex?

I've been really wanting to fuck someone I don't know very well. Just for fun.

I want that dirty sex, the kind that feels a little tense, maybe removed, where the release is more psychological than physical. I'm frustrated by my usual restraint; I want to break it down, push it through, fuck it.

It's been a really long time since I've had this urge; maybe since my freshman year. These days it's so easy for me to have friendly, gleeful sex that I haven't tapped into that part of me that's influenced by the taboo, by what I used to call the "dark side" of sex. I'm not entirely sure what's brought it on.

This kind of urge, for me, is usually directed towards men. I guess it's easier to engineer casual sex with them, but I think it has more to do with why I feel this way in the first place. I want to exercise and exorcise something I feel is going on with my gender and the men around me.

I don't know whether I'll actually act on it. There are very specific circumstances in which I feel comfortable with casual sex, and they all involve mutual respect and a very clear understanding (as much as I can ensure those things after a brief acquaintance). Unless I can find someone in my upstate NY city who can respectfully negotiate disrespectful sex, I can't really see it happening. We shall see, though. Maybe the blow job queen is back for a limited engagement.

Sex Work and Privilege

There have been a couple of interesting and definitely provocative posts on sex work in the blogosphere in the last week. What else is new, right? This time, though, I'm joining the discussion.

Renegade Evolution does a good job of answering some of buggle's assertions about "special" sex workers, but she leaves out what I think is the most important point.

What we need here is a discussion of privilege.

Those who enter into any industry with lots of privilege are going to be safer, healthier, and less likely to take risks that lead them to brutal experiences. (By privilege, I mean having a penis, white skin, no disabilities, heterosexuality, good health, a supportive family, good education, and/or an already-healthy pocketbook, to name a few.)

If people with the above privileges do experience brutality, they're also more likely to be able to access support systems to help them escape it and recover from it.

People with less privilege have fewer options for making and keeping money. In general, our system puts these people at a disadvantage, systematically and through no fault of their own. If someone desperately needs money, they'll do desperate things to get it. In any line of work, underprivileged folks are more likely to be taken advantage of and harmed.

This definitely applies to sex work, probably even more than many other industries because of the stigma surrounding it.

I would never, ever want to ignore the speech of people who've been brutalized at the hands of prostitution. They need everyone's help and compassion. I also don't want to discredit the people who do have a choice in what they do with their bodies and their decisions to take money for sex.

We absolutely need to talk about the systems of privilege and hardship that cause women (and men, let's not forget they do sex work too) to unwillingly enter an industry where they're raped and abused. The fact that privilege protects people from all kinds of pain (in all aspects of life) and yet leaves others to be trampled is deeply fucked up.

I think, however, that this is a larger issue of helping under-privileged people and not simply getting rid of sex work. Prostituted women and men are just one group of under-privileged people who need help and need a voice.

Super Bowl

Yeah, I actually watched the Super Bowl this year, and even cared a little bit about what was going on in the final quarter. Last year I went to a Super Bowl party and just played Asshole in the corner with a bunch of friends. This is a new development.

I was speculating with my friends that the game would be infinitely more entertaining if the players wore their pads and helmets and nothing else. I am proved entirely correct by this photo, via Bastard Life.



And this one:



Mmmmmm. Thank you Neal Boulton for once again providing wonderful masturbation material for men and women alike. I'm such a sucker for a nice ass, regardless of gender.