Two Caveats to My Post on Sluthood

**While I'm having sex, I still don't want to hear the word slut directed at me in a way that's connected with shame. Or any other sex negative phrase for that matter, like cock tease or prude (ha, like anyone would call me that). Not only am I not ashamed of what I do sexually, I'm not at all turned on by shame. So trying to invoke that emotion is just kind of weird and jarring and pulls me out of teh sexiness, which I'd rather stay immersed in, thanks.

Tell me I'm such a good slut and so good at sex. Yes, I love to hear that. Please praise me for my sexuality. That turns me on. But don't go to the "you like this so much, don't you, slut?" thing or the "I bet you make all the boys crazy, you tease" thing or the "I'm going to fuck you like a ragdoll, cuz you're a fucktoy for my use" thing. Not my bag.


**I get tested often for sexually transmitted infections and am careful with barrier methods of protection for the sex I have. (Condoms, condoms, condoms! And gloves.) I also have an IUD to prevent pregnancy. Having lots of sexual partners does increase my risk for transmission of disease and unplanned pregnancy, and would increase those risks for anyone on my path. I'm all about sluthood, but it's also important to protect your health. Resources for good ways to protect yourself: Scarleteen and Planned Parenthood.

Derailed

In News of the Last 48 Hours of Paradox's Life, I had a bit of romantic catastrophe that's left me reeling and rethinking many, many things. A lot of which I want to write about.

I've got some kind of gigantic post or series of posts coming about gossip and abuse and responses to abuse and public domain information and personal responsibility for the safety of others and how all of the above relates to the BDSM/poly/sex positive/whatever community. Which is going to take me a couple of days to sort out.

I just wanted to write something down here to be like, whoa, some SHIT has been going down and I have THINGS TO SAY. That is all. More to come.

Word Vomit: My Life Since Graduation

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been feeling again like I don't know what to say. A lot has been going on in my internal life, and it's a little hard to pin it all down and have it figured out enough to share it with other people.

Graduating college and moving across the country (again) but this time moving away from upstate New York for good has been kind of hard on me. I'm missing my friends in New York, and I'm missing the two pretty awesome lovers I'd started seeing not long before I left (curse my timing), and I'm missing the admittedly stressful busy life I had there. I'm kind of reeling at the end of my college life, my mode of being for the last four years, and also to a certain extent the end of my childhood. (Or adolescence or whatever.)

I'm feeling the fact that my friends from San Francisco mostly don't actually live here anymore. I'm lonely.

The worst thing right now is that a major reason I came back west at all this summer was to be available to explore the relationship I started with S when I was here over winter break. We've been talking over the internet for months, talking about what we'd do when I got here and making all sorts of loosely imagined plans. I was very excited to see him.

For a variety of reasons, though, he seems not to be making himself available to me, and I don't think he wants to pursue the relationship anymore. Maybe he never did and my expectations were just too high; I don't know. I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it, as I think he may be avoiding me. We've only hung out with other people there. From small hints, though, it seems like he's no longer that interested.

I'm disappointed, to say the least. Even in the last few weeks he'd talked about how excited he was that he'd get to see me soon. I was very much looking forward to actually getting to spend time with him. Yet it just hasn't been happening.

I've gone on a few dates with other people, had a little sex. It's been pretty unfulfilling, and I know it's in the absence of doing anything to take care of my emotions. I don't even really have friends here. I don't have the possibility of a primary relationship, which is what I was so eager to explore with S. It's difficult for this transition to be so different from what I was expecting.

It's really hard for me to admit that I want to be in a relationship, that I want to really get to know someone, that I want to work toward intimacy. It feels so unhip, and I almost feel weak that I can't just put it aside until it's more convenient and enjoy the sex and the eventual friendships for now. As soon as I get anything going, I'll just be leaving again. Seems sort of silly to try and find closeness now, anyway.

My body's not letting me put it off, though; I'm feeling more and more shut down as I try. It's clearly time for me to do something differently.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and my conclusion is this: I'm not in a primary relationship (of any kind) and I want to be. So I need to start acting like that's the truth instead of ignoring it. Time to communicate what I actually need, to be clear with new partners. I want cuddles and talking in low voices and doing things together that aren't sex and comfort and familiarity with body and mind and someone to do things with and a partner in crime and someone to call me on my shit and the ability to fight sometimes and have it be okay. I want to actually get closer. I want love.

Easier said to myself than done. Now I have to say it to other people, prospects, and to encourage it to happen without forcing it. It's all such a delicate balance. I have to find that tightrope, though, and start walking it, because it's the right thing for me right now and ignoring it is getting me nowhere.

Vagina Bread

So the antibiotics I'm on for my ear infection have given me a yeast infection.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, vagina bread!



That is all.

Stripper A Victim of Vicious Burning Attack

Via Feministe:

Shortly after 1:30 a.m., 22-year-old Nathaniel Petrillo and 27-year-old Rianne Therialut-Odom allegedly called an unidentified dancer outside the Babes and Beer nightclub in Tarzana to meet with them. For unknown reasons, they poured a combustible liquid on her and set her ablaze. She then ran back inside the bar where people came to her aid.

The dancer is now listed in grave condition with severe burns over 60 percent of her body. The suspects took off in a metallic gold in color newer model four door sedan, police said.

And an update:

The woman’s name has been released as Roberta Busby. As of yesterday, she was reported to be in critical but stable condition. This is a relief and excellent news. Her attackers, however, still have not been found and arrested. You can view images of the suspects here. If you know anything, please immediately call the LAPD at 213-485-2531 (or 877-LAPD-24-7 for after-hours and weekend calls).

If you would like to help the children of dancer Roberta Busby, who was recently set on fire outside the club where she works, bring a check in to any Washington Mutual branch, made out to “Rodrigo Busby For The Benefit Of The Children Of Roberta Busby” or send a check to

3835 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd., #256
Westlake Village, CA 91362

It's just so shocking and awful that this happened. Like so many of the other bloggers who have helped bring attention to this, I don't know what to say. Please donate if you can, or at least spread the word so she can get the support she needs. It's incredible and terrifying that someone can face this kind of violence. I think it's definitely influenced by the fact of her work, whether she knew the perpetrators or not. This can't pass in silence.

New Year

I'm a few days late but I hope I'm not a dollar short. Happy new year, everyone.

I had a quiet new year's eve. I've got a bad track record with new year's eve parties so I just stayed at home and rested. I've been horribly boring for the last two weeks; recovering from my bad luck (two) weeks took longer than I'd hoped. It got even worse after my last posting.

I had one helluva time getting home. My flight out of New York was delayed and so I missed my connection to SFO in Cleveland. I had to hop a flight to Los Angeles on standby and Continental booked me a flight from L.A. to San Francisco on Alaska Airlines. All should have been peachy keen.

Of course, I found out as soon as I arrived that LAX is hands down the WORST airport I've ever been to. The terminals there aren't connected at all. They've just got separate buildings for separate airlines. If you, for instance, arrive on a Continental flight and are leaving on Alaskan in 45 minutes, you have to go outside security, find a different terminal on the other side of a parking garage and a bunch of construction, get your boarding pass in the regular chek-in line, go back through security, and find your gate.

"Oh, that's an Alaskan flight, it's in Terminal 3. Or is it 2? No, it's 3, you just have to go across the parking lot."

"You mean, outside? Past security?"

*Withering L.A. stare.* "Yeah, outside. Just go across the parking lot."

Right.

Of course, it turns out that my Alaskan flight is actually operated by American Airlines, in Terminal 4. (My parents found this out online and called to tell me as I was trudging across a parking lot to Terminal 3.) This is a problem because I'm travelling with my bunny.

Continental Airlines is the only major airline to allow rabbits in the cabin, one of the only to allow them at all. I get to the check in counter for American Airlines 20 minutes before my (delayed) flight is supposed to take off, and they won't let me on with the rabbit. American doesn't even allow bunnies in the cargo hold. I guess they're worried they'll get loose and somehow bring down the plane by chewing wires. Forget Snakes on a Plane, it's Bunnies on a Plane.

So Continental Airlines had effectively stranded me in Los Angeles. There were no flights to SFO on any airline that allowed my pet. My father had to fly down to L.A., rent a car, spent the night with me in a hotel, and drive us back up the next day. Oh, and they had lost my bag. It had been "scanned" in Los Angeles, but had then disappeared. They did eventually get it to me about four days later, but at the time we'd had neither hide nor hair of it.

All in all I spent 22 hours in airports and then had to make the 6 hour drive back up to Oakland airport to return the car, then drive home. It was all great fun.

Turns out, too, that I had bronchitis. Fortunately, the doctor could see me on Christmas Eve and I got all kinds of medicines, but it took almost all ten days of antibiotics for me to feel better.

Of course, things are much better now, but it's amazing what that kind of stress can do. I definitely reached a breaking point in Los Angeles and after everything adding up in the last few weeks I didn't want to do anything for about two weeks after I got home. This is unheard of for me. I didn't get bored with staying at home and reading and watching TV until a couple of days ago.

I'm going to try and make the best of my last week in SF. I definitely need to get out of my house. I've managed to put in a couple of shifts at the peep show, which was lovely. It's such a positive atmosphere. I'm looking forward to finishing my thesis rough draft (I'll post some of it here!) and getting back to school. Hopefully it will be a good year.

Bad Luck Week

I think this may have been the worst week ever.

I mean, it hasn't been so bad all at once. You know, my mom didn't die; I wasn't hit by a bus or anything. I haven't lost all my money or found out I have cancer. It's just that when you add up what's happened, it's been pretty ridiculous.

First off, my hard drive broke, just in time for finals and a 20 page paper. This has many implications, which I'll mention in a bit.

I caught the flu starting about Sunday and have been pretty deathly ill all week. This includes two days of a fever that wouldn't respond at all to medicine, on one of which I had to take a final. This was *ahem* rather challenging. The other day, Thursday I think, I sat curled up in a ball on my bed half-hallucinating all day and trying to work on the 20-page paper due that day. I thankfully had my sister's computer because she was visiting before break, but it still was oodles of fun.

My fever was down on Friday, so I pulled an all-nighter that night to try and finish the afore-mentioned 20 page paper. (Good idea!) It didn't help that everything I'd written while feverish was pretty much utter crap. I managed to be productive until about 8am, when the fever decided to spike again. I had to abandon ship, which actually just means that I had to pack and get ready for my cab to show up.

Through all of this, it's been snowing fucking buckets. All the flights on Friday and today have been canceled.

So of course my flight yesterday, which would have gotten out right between the storms, was canceled due to a maintenance problem with the plane. I had to spend 5 hours at the airport trying to book another one after a night with no sleep. This meant I didn't have any cough medicine (liquids and gels, they don't make a bottle small enough) so I was hacking up a lung the whole time. FINALLY, I trudged back to my dorm room and took a Tylenol PM to knock myself out around 5:30pm. I did sleep (with breaks) for most of last night and feel slightly better this morning. I'm still awfully sick, though.

What all this means is that I'm stuck at school until Monday with no computer of my own. Everybody I know has left, so not only am I all alone, I can't borrow a computer. During the school year, they will rent out laptops to needy students, but apparently now that finals are over they've stopped doing that. I can't lie in bed and watch movies or TV to recuperate. I can't relax and work on my paper at a leisurely pace, maybe even get it done before I leave.

I'm at our IT center now, on a public computer. I'm going to try to finish my paper, but it's going to be hard to sit up on this hard chair for the period of time that I'll need.

Basically, I just want to go home where my nice, warm, big bed and a brand new hard drive are waiting for me.

I'm moping now, I know, but there is an absurd quality to all of this. Hopefully I'll find it funny in hindsight.

Why I Am Sick: The Liz Game

The Liz Game is played with cards and at least four players, although you can add as many as you want depending on the desired outcome of the game. In a round, you go around the circle with the deck and each draw a card in turn until the deck is finished.

There are 6 rules:

1. If you draw a face card (Jack, Queen, King, 0r Ace), you must take off one article of clothing. Socks count as one article together, as do shoes. Jewelry doesn't count as clothing.

2. If you draw a black card that isn't a face card, you must drink.

3. If you draw a red card that isn't a face card, you have to make out with someone of your choice in the circle.

4. After you make out with someone for the first time, if you choose them again you must "escalate" your making out. If you pecked on the lips the first time, the second time you use tongue, and the third time you grope each other a bit, etc. This means that if you don't want to get too hot and heavy, you're going to have to pick different people in the circle for each red card turn. If there aren't that many people playing, well, you have a pre-packaged orgy!

5. No spectators allowed. Either play or leave the room. (This is negotiable depending on the desires of those playing. If you like being watched, hey go ahead.)

6. After every round (if you aren't already all having sex and decide to play another one), each player is allowed to put on one article of clothing. Your "make out escalation levels" with each person stay the same in new rounds. You can keep playing for as long as you want.

As I'm sure you can imagine, the fewer players you have, the faster it becomes an orgy. With 4-8 people, you don't have that many make out partners to choose from, so you'll be escalating fairly quickly. You'll also lose more clothing, as there are fewer of you to draw the face cards.

On Saturday night, I played this game with about 12 near strangers at a house party. There was a lovely gender balance: 4 women and 8 or so men. I got to see lots of man make outs! It didn't turn into an orgy (there were too many of us), but it was great fun. However, this meant that I ended up kissing 12 near strangers, with various levels of saliva swapping.

That, my friends, is why I am sick. Oh, well.

Don't Watch This if You're a Hypochondriac and Have the Flu

You know, I have the flu. I guess it's better than a brain worm. But at least then I'd have a new friend! Do you think you can keep creepy parasite worms in jars as pets?

Via The Trouble with Spikol, where Liz Spikol and her trusty intern Becca Trabin always have interesting things to say about the brain, mental illness, and cute animals.

The Two Fs of DOOM: Finals and the Flu

So I'm nearing the end of finals, but I've caught the flu. I guess that's what I get for going to a party and playing a drinking game with 12 near strangers that involved getting naked and making out. Stupid germs, why would you want to go and corrupt something as nice as lots and lots of kissing?

I'm working on the first semester rough draft of my thesis, and I've got about a million and one things to say about porn and stripping and my sex life and everything else. I'm so freaking tired, though, from this blasted illness and too much studying that all I can bring myself to do is loll in bed.

Of course, normally this would mean that my internet presence would increase exponentially. However, my hard drive is broken.

Yep, in addition to happy finals and happy illness, I dropped my happy computer and the hard drive happily broke. I've been able to get some of my files, but until the replacement hard drive comes, I'm sans computer. I'm typing this now on my friend's briefly borrowed laptop.

Sooooo, I know I've been shit at the posting for the last little while, but I promise I'll get caught up. I've got something like four half-finished entries and I definitely have some new things to bring up about porn and stripping in general. I'll be interested to see what you think.

More coming, I promise!