Medication and Emotion

I started Wellbutrin last Wednesday. I intended to write about it before I got derailed, but I suppose it's better a little late than never.

I felt intensely nervous before my first appointment with the psychiatrist, partly because my experience with the guy who prescribed me Adderall pretty much consisted of "How's it going with the drugs? Good? Here's another prescription. That'll be 65 dollars." I was worried that my new doctor would be as brusque and clinical, and my depression is so much more of a tender subject than my mild ADHD.

Fortunately, he was kind and asked lots of questions, talking to me for about 45 minutes before writing me a prescription. He didn't seem to mind that I'd done a little research ahead of time and he addressed my concerns calmly. Which was definitely a relief.

That said, my feelings about this whole drug thing are a lot more complicated than nervousness over how my doctor will behave. I've been working and working and working to overcome this mood issue for years. It's a struggle that's just a part of my daily reality, that's built into my routines and my self care and my relationships. It's hard to imagine my life without it, or even just with it alleviated a little.

The whole process seems so strange. My doctor explained that after two weeks or so I should physically start to feel better, that my energy will improve and it'll be easier to do things. Then after about a month, my mood should be better, the drug will be in my system and in effect. It's just odd to think of the way I feel emotionally as a symptom that a daily pill can address. It feels like something that's a part of me, and altering it with something I can just swallow is a bit disconcerting.

I'm also terrified to get my hopes up over what's going to happen here. I know that pills are not a complete fix for anything, and I don't really know how I'm going to respond to them. The idea that my friends and sister have given me that it'll be "easier to be okay" sounds unbelievably appealing, but I'm a little afraid to let myself hope. What if it doesn't work? What, then, will I be left with? I know myself and that I'd just move on and try something else, but I've delayed this option for so long, held it in my mind as a fallback, that I know it'll be really hard if it doesn't help me.

I suppose it's ultimately a question of venturing into an unknown. I've always chafed particularly at the beginnings of journeys, the feeling of uncertainty and the knowledge that I'm a novice, as green and fragile as can be. I think one of my biggest challenges as a human being is to embrace that feeling and learn to love not knowing. Moving forward and trying things even though they're scary is a part of that. So onward and upward, and I'll keep y'all filled in on how things progress.

Trouble in Mind

I happen to be listening to Janis Joplin right now and the title of the song playing (now the title of this post) seems appropriate.

I'm starting to meet people in New York to be friends with and hang out with outside of work, finally. I've got new poly and kinky friends, a few really awesome women from my sexuality apprenticeship with Amy Jo who I now feel really close with. I'm getting along well with my roommate finally. (Although technically who knows for how long.)

And yet I still feel listless. I have a million things I want to do (perform in burlesque, maybe, go on a mini-vacation, actually go hang out with some of the new people, bring a slave over to clean and play, work on a short story, clean my room, be an activist again in some way, find the queer community here, whatever) and no motivation or energy to do them. I feel tired all the time. I'm often cranky. I don't enjoy crowds and nights out the way I used to.

In simpler words, I've been really struggling with depression lately, and I've decided it's finally time to do something about it. For years, I rationalized that what my depression (usually dysthymia, sometimes full on major episodes) did was force me to deal with whatever was on my mind. If I had a problem, it'd lay me out flat until I worked through it and solved it. I figured that was a good thing, that it kept me from repressing anything. I thought it made me solve my issues faster.

I'm rethinking that. Something about being out of school and having my life stretched out ahead of me to do with as I choose made me realize that I won't ever run out of problems to solve. It's not like depression is going to make me rush through some finite number of Issues People Have and then I'll be perfect. I'll always have shit to deal with, and if I don't help myself it'll always lay me out and I won't be able to function.

Helping myself, of course, means looking into medication. Another major reason I hadn't done this is that one of the major side effects of SSRIs (Prozac, Zoloft, etc) is a loss of sex drive, inability to orgasm, etc. In other words, a major side effect of these drugs would be the loss of a very important aspect of my life and personality. Kind of defeats the point, no?

I just found out, though, that Wellbutrin is apparently a different kind of drug that doesn't have these side effects. It's also a stimulant so I'd get the added bonus of treating my mild ADHD. My sister is on it, and a friend of mine who values her sexuality as much as I do. I'm thinking this might be a possibility and it would help me feel better.

It's a lovely idea that maybe I'd get to go through life and still have my difficulties and triumphs, but that the littlest thing wouldn't freak me out. It'd be easier to be okay.

I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of this month at which point I might turn over a new leaf. I'll definitely be writing about this process on here since I know one thing that's majorly helped me is hearing other people's experiences with the drug I'm considering. Wish me luck.

I'm Sick

And not in the fun, "Oh, you're a pervert" way.

In the when I say "my nose is stuffed up" it sounds like "by dose is sduffet up" kind of way. You know, the way where I can actually see the glands in my neck. The head throbbing kind of sick.

Apparently there is something going around, and if I believed in curses or revenge I'd be placing a nasty one on the descendants of whoever gave me this piece of sick. But I'm way too nice for that.

I hate being sick, because all it amounts to is a refusal by my body to work, to do what I want it to do. Including have sex, dance, speak properly, take walks, or simply carry me without pain up and down the stairs. My brain is still functioning. I still want to be doing stuff. But I can't.

Therefore, I shall be holed up with a movie or Tomb Raider or talking quietly to whoever I can get to keep me company (anyone feel like hangin' out with a sick chick?) for the next few days. This one doesn't feel like a 24 hour bug. (Dammit.)

ADHD

I don't like the idea of mental disorders. I've mentioned this before. The concept of diagnosing of a brain that we know so VERY little about gives me the heebie jeebies.

That said, they tell me I have ADHD.

I have discovered that one of the things this "disorder" makes difficult is getting to appointments where I'm supposed to be prescribed medicine for said "disorder". (The meds help, sigh, they really do. And no, I don't take them all the time. And no, I don't sell them.)

But seriously.

Today I was a half hour late for my shrink-y appointment because I lost track of time and left too late. He wasn't there when I got there.

This is the SECOND time this has happened. I had an ADD-meds appointment at school a couple months ago. Forgot to go. Then I forgot to call and schedule another one.

I am a toooootal space case.

(Speaking of which, I have a couple of blog posts in the make, I swear. They shall be forthcoming. Sometime soon. I promise.)

Birth Control Process

Birth control is wonderful and freeing and very, very important. I'm 20, I want to have intercourse, I don't want a baby for a long time, so I am on it. That said, it's a pain in the ass to find the best birth control method for your lifestyle. As Dr. Kate was saying in her post on the Daily Bedpost, it's hard to match up with your pill, and if you don't it's easy not to use it properly.

I think a lot of women (especially young ones) expect that they will just go to the doctor and be handed the No-Babies Pill and have done with it. I encourage doctor-going and birth-control-getting, but go in with an open mind and know that it might take some trial and error to find the right birth control method for you. Like any medicine, different people react differently to the chemicals, so you've got to figure out what works for your body.

In the interest of opening up discussion about this sort of thing in a public way, here is the story of all MY trials and tribulations in the world of birth control:

I get migraine headaches with aura (blind spots, sparkles, etc) so when I first went to Planned Parenthood to get birth control (when I was 16), they told me my only available method was the shot (Depo Provera). It is an estrogen-free method, and estrogen is associated with higher risk of stroke among those who get migraines with aura. There are other methods of Progestin-free birth control, but I didn't know that at the time.

So I went on the shot, and went just bat-shit crazy for the year or so I was on it. I cried at the drop of a hat, was angry very often, felt icky lots. My sex drive was drastically reduced, and I did not get as wet during sex. I also got my period very sporadically, was tired all the time, gained weight, etc. Woot, lots of fun.

Finally, I did some research and discovered Progestin-only Pills (POPS or Ortho Micronor) and switched to those. Much better in terms of side effects, but not perfect. My sex drive didn't quite get back to its former glory, but it came back a little. I still had breakthrough bleeding, irregular periods, and some mood swings. All fun, of course, but not quite as much of a shit storm as the shot.

POPs have to be taken at exactly the same time every day or their effectiveness declines drastically. So I bought a watch with an alarm that beeped when it was time. I still missed some, though, and I wanted a method that wouldn't require as strict adherence. Plus, the spotting between periods was damn annoying.

So I tried the pill with the lowest dosage of estrogen possible. I don't remember the name of it, as I was only taking it for a month. The day I started taking the hormones again after my first placebo week, I got a migraine that put me in the hospital. So that was definitely a no-go. I went back to POPs.

And THEN I got an Intrauterine Device (IUD). That was about a year ago. Some doctors will only insert an IUD in women who have had children. I haven't had a baby or anything, but at Planned Parenthood in California, they have more contemporary policies and gave it to me anyway. I chose the Mirena, the five-year implant which sits in your uterus and releases a small amount of local progesterone to prevent pregnancy.

I LOVE it! I don't have to do anything like take a pill, so the very tiny risk of pregnancy isn't mitigated by my usage. My periods are regular again, I don't feel hormonal-crazy, and my body feels healthier. I'm back to my pre-birth-control weight. Best of all, my sex drive is back with a vengeance. Boom Boom! I'm set for five years, so all told it's cheaper than any other method I'd have to keep paying for every few months. It's great.

That's four years after my quest for the No-Babies Method began. (I got the IUD a year ago, but my periods were still irregular for a while after it was inserted, so I'm considering my birth control quest accomplished now that they're back to normal.) Not everybody will have as much trouble as I did; like I said, I get migraines and that had a big effect on what I could take. But be patient, because it's totally worth it. Choosing when to have kids is super, super, super important. And pretty nifty.

If you want to know more about birth control methods, I recommend Planned Parenthood and Scarleteen.com as great info sources. Happy questing!