ADHD

I don't like the idea of mental disorders. I've mentioned this before. The concept of diagnosing of a brain that we know so VERY little about gives me the heebie jeebies.

That said, they tell me I have ADHD.

I have discovered that one of the things this "disorder" makes difficult is getting to appointments where I'm supposed to be prescribed medicine for said "disorder". (The meds help, sigh, they really do. And no, I don't take them all the time. And no, I don't sell them.)

But seriously.

Today I was a half hour late for my shrink-y appointment because I lost track of time and left too late. He wasn't there when I got there.

This is the SECOND time this has happened. I had an ADD-meds appointment at school a couple months ago. Forgot to go. Then I forgot to call and schedule another one.

I am a toooootal space case.

(Speaking of which, I have a couple of blog posts in the make, I swear. They shall be forthcoming. Sometime soon. I promise.)

Poly What?

I do not like monogamy.

I've been in long term relationships. I love intimacy and cuddling and comfort and even commitment, when I get to it. I like living with a lover; I like waking up in the morning to kissing and sex and conversation. I like to debrief at the end of my day with someone I care about and trust. I am looking, constantly, for someone I can share a deep bond with.

But I don't like monogamy. Even when I am in those loving, intimate relationships, I still want sex and excitement outside of them. My animal attraction to other people does not, for me, detract from my feelings towards my partner. In fact, being able to talk about and share the crazier aspects of my life and sexuality makes me feel closer to them. Jayme Waxman wrote in her blog the other week about having a monogamous heart but not a monogamous groin. That's what my anatomy looks like, too.

Through Jayme's post, I found Tristan Taormino's new website (and book) Opening Up. It's a resource site for those who don't want to practice monogamy.

Whenever I stumble upon things like this, a part of me wants to cry with relief. I feel like I am constantly trying to explain myself to everyone. It's hard for anyone to reject monogamy, and I deal with so much misunderstanding and prejudice, especially as a woman. It's so nice to run across other people who go through and can speak about the same things.

I am so tired of feeling guilty for not wanting monogamy. I often feel like there is something wrong with me, that I couldn't handle a monogamous relationship even if I tried. It feels like a failure that I "can't not cheat." I often find myself falling for people who do want monogamy, and I have to tear that apart because in my experience it can't work. People tend not to change their minds.

It's like being "poly" (look up polyamory on Wikipedia if you don't know what this means) for me is similar to what being gay feels like for other people. I never had much trouble with my sexual orientation; I'm from the San Francisco area and was always pretty comfortable being bi. Trying to negotiate and come out of the closet with polyamory, however, feels like such a struggle. I sometimes wish I could feel comfortable being monogamous. "Normal."

Lately, I've been doing much better. My last relationship was with someone who was open to the idea of, well, openness. We aren't really together anymore, but that's due to external circumstances (location mostly). I think we were doing a pretty good job of negotiating relationship boundaries and working with each other. I have been claiming my non-monogamy and trying to be proud of it. Hopefully I can keep that up.

Independent

My Women's Studies honors thesis adviser has me pegged.

"You're so independent that sometimes you just don't give a shit."

Yep.

Nice to hear someone else saying "independent" instead of "lazy" or "stubborn."

Eroticizing Patriarchy Makes It Stronger My Ass

The idea that eroticizing something solidifies it in your mind, protects it from critical thinking, and maintains the power structures that resulted in that eroticization does not ring true to me.

I just realized this.

I am very critical of the things I eroticize. I try and figure out why I do it. I want to know where the little kinks come from and why they've become sexy and I'm constantly analyzing my feelings about sex and my sexual actions. Yeah, I don't always change what I do based on what I figure out. Sometimes it's okay for me to eroticize something like power relations or patriarchy because I know that's what I'm doing. It's a way of dealing with my feelings about these things, it lets me reclaim them. Sex is something over which I have control. If I can exercise control over an area where I am powerless by making it a sexual thing, kudos to me.

So yes, I do sometimes eroticize patriarchal things. I know this. I am feminine and a bottom in sex. I like it when others initiate sex and are in control. Some of that is because I am a girl and I have been harassed for being a "slut" and I'm afraid to show sexual desire. I don't want to be treated badly as a result of my sexuality, so I am more wont to let someone else approach me. There are other reasons, like the fact that I'm very reserved in general, but I acknowledge that it's largely my reaction to being put down because I'm a woman.

I do (usually successfully) challenge myself with this. I definitely can and have and do approach people with the intention of romancing or seducing them. But I also allow myself to be turned on by someone approaching me, by someone else being the top during sex, by letting go of control. I don't think my continued enjoyment here is undermining my understanding of its source.

Another note:

I like to be tied up because as I said I am very very reserved...restrained, even...in real life. I do not let go of control, I am very driven, I am powerful, and I'm almost always on guard. I talked a couple weeks ago about how I keep my feelings close to my vest. I like to be restrained (by a man or a woman, I have no preference here) because when I am physically restrained I feel psychologically freer. I don't have to rely any more on my psychological restraints because I am held in physical ones. It feels safer and risky and hot all at the same time, and even allows me to get closer to my partner. It is closely tied in with trust and emotion.

This has nothing to do with eroticizing patriarchy. I thought about that. I've had to deal with it as I've been learning about feminism and creating my opinions on sex and gender and relationships and then trying to apply them to my own life. I don't think anyone should be dismissing certain behaviors as necessarily or inherently patriarchy-induced because we can't know the root of a behavior unless we're the one doing it. We should all have the right to decide for ourselves.

On Cocks

I don't remember the first time I saw a hard cock in person. That's not because I've been exposed to them for my whole life or anything. I do know when it happened, when I first caught a glimpse at that poking manly appendage. I was fifteen and I had a new boyfriend.

What I don't remember is seeing it, or my reaction, or what I did with it. I didn't know this was the date of my first cock-sighting until years later, when I was talking to my ex.

"Oh yeah, well, we had oral sex on our first date, too."

"Oh really? I'd forgotten that."

I know, though, that this was the first time I saw an erect dick in person. I guess I'd seen enough of them on the internet at that point that it wasn't that remarkable to me. Yeah, I'm sure I enjoyed his reaction when I messed with it, but I didn't particularly like the thing. And that's been my relationship with The Cock for a long time. Yeah, they're kind of weird. They twitch and shit, and they're hard under the skin and soft on top. I like them inside me, I like them in my mouth, I like playing with them, but visually and psychologically they never did that much for me.

Until recently. Maybe I'm just hornier lately because I've been getting a lot of play. Maybe I've just been around some attractive cocks. Could be I was repressing my inner cock love and I'm finally comfortable to let it out. In any case, I can't get enough of them these days.

I like the way they look. I like their texture. I like the taste (although I'm still not a huge cum-taste fan). I like the balls, their weight and the way there is extra skin surrounding the little egg-shaped testes inside. I like the way you can feel the bulb of the penis running under the balls, through to the other side. I like how that gets hard, too, and I can play with it. I like the tight skin on the pelvis around the penis, the soft hair.

Dick colors are fascinating; I like the veins under the surface and the way the head is often slightly differently colored than the shaft. I like the seam that runs along the bottom of the shaft, particularly near the top where it bunches up in that little dip at the bottom of the head. I like the way my fingers or my lips catch on the edge of the head when I'm pulling them upwards on a cock.

I like it all. Yay cocks!

My Body Image

So I'm obsessing over how I look at lot lately. Not in an "I need to get thin, I'm too fat!" way, but in a "my hair looks weird, I don't feel feminine, I'm in a city so I should be stylish, should I wear more dresses? comparing myself to other women" kind of way. Which makes me feel awfully silly and also very self conscious.

I'm a young woman. For all my feminist leanings and scoffings at the beauty myth, I haven't escaped its clutches. Clutches! It's got me! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!

But seriously, it's driving me crazy. I know it's because I'm alone, away from my friends and all of that. I don't have the solidity within myself to maintain my self-image without other people around and other things to do to distract me. Sad.

I really wish I could just not think about it, not have that lovely running commentary in my head about who is looking at me and what they will think. Because for all that I try to be an independent, confident woman, that is what it's about. What other people are seeing.

Makes me want to rap myself on the back of the knuckles and go "Bad A! No over-valuing the opinions of others! Bad! Bad!"

Birth Control Process

Birth control is wonderful and freeing and very, very important. I'm 20, I want to have intercourse, I don't want a baby for a long time, so I am on it. That said, it's a pain in the ass to find the best birth control method for your lifestyle. As Dr. Kate was saying in her post on the Daily Bedpost, it's hard to match up with your pill, and if you don't it's easy not to use it properly.

I think a lot of women (especially young ones) expect that they will just go to the doctor and be handed the No-Babies Pill and have done with it. I encourage doctor-going and birth-control-getting, but go in with an open mind and know that it might take some trial and error to find the right birth control method for you. Like any medicine, different people react differently to the chemicals, so you've got to figure out what works for your body.

In the interest of opening up discussion about this sort of thing in a public way, here is the story of all MY trials and tribulations in the world of birth control:

I get migraine headaches with aura (blind spots, sparkles, etc) so when I first went to Planned Parenthood to get birth control (when I was 16), they told me my only available method was the shot (Depo Provera). It is an estrogen-free method, and estrogen is associated with higher risk of stroke among those who get migraines with aura. There are other methods of Progestin-free birth control, but I didn't know that at the time.

So I went on the shot, and went just bat-shit crazy for the year or so I was on it. I cried at the drop of a hat, was angry very often, felt icky lots. My sex drive was drastically reduced, and I did not get as wet during sex. I also got my period very sporadically, was tired all the time, gained weight, etc. Woot, lots of fun.

Finally, I did some research and discovered Progestin-only Pills (POPS or Ortho Micronor) and switched to those. Much better in terms of side effects, but not perfect. My sex drive didn't quite get back to its former glory, but it came back a little. I still had breakthrough bleeding, irregular periods, and some mood swings. All fun, of course, but not quite as much of a shit storm as the shot.

POPs have to be taken at exactly the same time every day or their effectiveness declines drastically. So I bought a watch with an alarm that beeped when it was time. I still missed some, though, and I wanted a method that wouldn't require as strict adherence. Plus, the spotting between periods was damn annoying.

So I tried the pill with the lowest dosage of estrogen possible. I don't remember the name of it, as I was only taking it for a month. The day I started taking the hormones again after my first placebo week, I got a migraine that put me in the hospital. So that was definitely a no-go. I went back to POPs.

And THEN I got an Intrauterine Device (IUD). That was about a year ago. Some doctors will only insert an IUD in women who have had children. I haven't had a baby or anything, but at Planned Parenthood in California, they have more contemporary policies and gave it to me anyway. I chose the Mirena, the five-year implant which sits in your uterus and releases a small amount of local progesterone to prevent pregnancy.

I LOVE it! I don't have to do anything like take a pill, so the very tiny risk of pregnancy isn't mitigated by my usage. My periods are regular again, I don't feel hormonal-crazy, and my body feels healthier. I'm back to my pre-birth-control weight. Best of all, my sex drive is back with a vengeance. Boom Boom! I'm set for five years, so all told it's cheaper than any other method I'd have to keep paying for every few months. It's great.

That's four years after my quest for the No-Babies Method began. (I got the IUD a year ago, but my periods were still irregular for a while after it was inserted, so I'm considering my birth control quest accomplished now that they're back to normal.) Not everybody will have as much trouble as I did; like I said, I get migraines and that had a big effect on what I could take. But be patient, because it's totally worth it. Choosing when to have kids is super, super, super important. And pretty nifty.

If you want to know more about birth control methods, I recommend Planned Parenthood and Scarleteen.com as great info sources. Happy questing!