eLust #10

HNT Courtesy of Babe Lincoln

Welcome to e[lust] - The 10th edition! Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether youíre looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, youíre going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #11? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the siteís sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Weekís Top Three Posts ~

Negotiation - Not Nearly As Awkward As Having a Breakdown in Public - All the worries about getting to know a new person (ìAm I dressed ok? Are they gonna like my stories about my grandma?î) get exaggerated when youíre talking about sex and desire...

Dollar Store Domme - He definitely can't elude the dollops of toothpaste I dab onto his nipples. It takes a delicious second before he feels the cool burn penetrate his flesh. By that time I'm already up and selecting a plastic spatula from the credenza.

The Best of Both Worlds or Lost in Limbo? - Whether intentional or unthinking, bisexual denial is a frustrating thing for bisexual, pansexual or ëfluidí people to have to deal with.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Navigating Genderqueer in Suburbia - But pray tell how do the rest of us navigate it? How the hell am I supposed to know if you identify as male or just like dressing like one?

~ Featured Post (Lillyís Pick) ~

The Daddy Issue: Sexualizing Abuse - I needed to walk through this fear, and turn it into pleasure. I needed to prove to myself that he hadnít broken me. That he hadnít changed who I was to become. That I was not affected by what he did. That he didnít abuse me.

See also: Pleasurists #69 and #70 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the ìread moreÖî tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Writing

15 minute phone sex
...And Orgasms On Demand
A Neighbor In Need #7
Afternoon Delight!
Casino
Desperation & Dominance
Dreams
Evening Home, Part 3
First Asleep Loses
Happy ending
I Got....
I am a keeper of secrets
I Got Fucked
I am Coming for You: A Letter to Scin
Late Night Satisfaction
Lolita's Mother
Making M Squirt
Sir ~ intro
The Hatter
The Flash Fiction Friday FAQ!
Trussed
We fucked, they applauded
Where there is a libido, there is a way
Wicked Wednesday: Idyll

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

20 Reasons Why Sex Is Good
Defining Sex
Hurt me, Pet
I Was Raped
Playing Dumb
Red Flags of an Abusive Partner, Part 2
Restrictions and Satisfaction
Someone Else's Shoes
Sex Isn't Everything
The Art of Sensual Touching-Caressing for You and Your Partner
The STI You Haven't Heard of: Molluscum contagiosum
The Suit
Vibrant Woman or Live Masturbation Sleeve
What I Don't Need

Kink & Fetish

A Little Girl's Need for Submission
Are You Done Yet?
A Reformatory Punishment
BDSM Advice Series: Floggers
Bruises
Determined to bind
His Slut
I Really Wasn't In The Mood
Impact
Pain and Healing
Questions From DH About These Things We Do
Surrender
Sub Drop: Fact or Fiction?
Tiiu Ashcraft - Fetish Artist and Beauty
The Eroticism of Tattoos
The Competition
Wanting to want

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

A History of Violence
Asshat of the Day Award
Awesome Mentoring Work and Upcoming Apprenticeship

Study on Casual Sex by the Genius Behind Scarleteen

Heather Corinna of Scarleteen.com has recently begun conducting an internet study on casual sex. There's been a lot of media and blog attention paid to "hook up culture" in recent years, and she's trying to get a wide perspective on the phenomenon. I think, largely, to look at whether casual sex is really all that different these days, and how if at all it's changed over the years.

To that end, she's particularly looking for people of diverse ages, sexualities, genders, races, etc. The only qualifications to take the survey are that you are over 16 years of age and have had at least one sexual partner of any kind.

The survey takes about 20 minutes, and I hope some of you will take it. I'll be interested to see what she comes up with.

Awesome Mentoring Work and Upcoming Apprenticeship

So, in life developments of our intrepid aspiring sex educator (i.e. me), I've been mentoring with NYC-based sex educator Amy Jo Goddard. I first encountered her when she gave a talk on the "happy and healthy" vulva to the women's group at my college, and recently got to start working with her after she put out a call for mentees in a teleclass on how to be a sex educator.

The best part about this is that I get to participate in the major class she's scheduled for March, which is the culmination of her 15 years as a sex educator. The extended workshop is called the Women's Sexuality Empowerment Apprenticeship, and it'll be a two-month weekly class where I get to sit in a room with other women and learn deeply about our bodies and our sexualities. It's been a while since I've been in women-only spaces, and I'm very much looking forward to it. (I'll put more info on the class below for any NYC-area folks who might be interested or know someone who would be.)

It's really exciting to get to learn from a woman who so clearly does what I want to be doing. She's got her Master's in Human Sexuality, she's been teaching about sexuality to people of all ages for fifteen years, she's worked in colleges and medical schools. She writes, she's directed a movie, she's done performance art. I couldn't really ask for a better mentor.

If only I could find a steady source of livable income, my life would be pretty damn awesome right now. I'll work on that, but until then, I'm going to live it up on savings and do my best to appreciate what I've got.

Women's Sexuality Empowerment Apprenticeship
Are you ready to own your sexuality, to reclaim it, heal it and celebrate it?

Women need a safe space in which to heal, explore, examine and learn about their sexuality. In this sex-positive space, women will be able to do the deep work on their sexual selves that can empower and affect every aspect of their being.

This apprenticeship will be a combination of deep work on the sexual self through discussion, coaching and self-exploration; examination of our sexual history and patterns; and education about sexuality and the sexual body. It will involve homework in between classes, allow participants to develop sexual/relational skills through guided exercises, push boundaries, and ask that people bring their whole selves to the process. It is a rare opportunity to dive deeply into the study and development of our own sexual selves. Women of all sexual orientations and backgrounds are welcome.

If you are interested and want to find out more, please contact Amy Jo about your free 30-minute consultation to see if it's right for you. Space is limited for this apprenticeship so act quickly. I also suggest you attend one of the free informational sessions (March 11th at noon and March 18th at 8pm) to get more detailed information about the program.

DATES
The class will be held on Tuesday nights between March 23 and May 25th from 6:30pm-10pm and all day (9:30am-6pm) on Saturdays April 3rd, April 17th, and May 1st.

LOCATION
Nurture's Path, 1133 Broadway, Suite 1020, Manhattan
http://www.nurturespath.com/

COST
Cost for apprenticeship and materials: $1,095
$300 deposit required to hold your slot.
Payment plans are available.
Student discounts also available.

CONTACT
For more information, to set up a consultation, or to register please contact:
amyjo@amyjogoddard.com
718.974.6554
http://www.amyjogoddard.com

BDSM Trigger and a Newly Found Boundary

I had a complicated afternoon today, which was mostly not fun but also very informative.

I did some BDSM play with a new partner with whom my chemistry had very much lent itself to a dominant/submissive dynamic.

The fucked up thing about that, which I realized today, is that the reason I've felt so submissive to him is that he reminds me of my dad. Bear with me here, and I'll explain. I'd been sort of confused as to why I was so responsive to him. He's a nice enough guy, but I'm not really attracted to him at all. He's had a very active sex life, so he's clearly attractive enough, just not to me.

Despite that, I found myself still talking to him and wanting to play with him. I liked the way he talked about BDSM, and there was something about his verbal manner, especially when he was being dominant, that appealed to me. He very easily and instantly brought out the submission in me. I wasn't sure how the sex was going to go, since his looks are an actual turn off for me, but I went ahead with it anyway. I figured if I had this unexplained pull towards him, especially in a more submissive way than I'd thus far experienced, it was worth seeing through.

Well, this afternoon the sex wasn't working so well for me. I wasn't able to overcome my dislike of his physical appearance and mannerisms, and the thoughts circling my head were distracting and unsexy. So I told him so. (I'd been pretty honest about my conflicted feelings towards him all along.)

We were having a very awkward conversation about it, and I was feeling very embarrassed that I hadn't known my own mind better beforehand, that I hadn't known I wouldn't be able to overcome my lack of attraction to him. I was, therefore, covering my face a lot when we were talking, which is something I do when I feel very uncomfortable, scared, or too emotional.

In an attempt to bring our D/s dynamics into the conversation (which we'd been doing a little, to see if it helped my lack of interest issue), he stood above where I was sitting, grabbed me by the hair and very sternly told me not to cover my face while he was talking to me. This was a fairly minor thing, something that many doms would do. And yet, it very suddenly triggered some heavy emotions for me and I started crying.

When I was little, my father used to lose his temper in a very scary way, usually over little things. He never hit me or my sister, at least that I remember (although I maybe, very vaguely, have a memory I'm not sure is real of being spanked once in anger by my father). But he is 6'4"and big. He would loom over me and yell very loudly, right in my face, would put me down in vaguely awful ways when he was mad, and would move my body around in ways I didn't want. My memories of these things are really fleeting, but I remember him once picking me up off the floor by my arms and shoving me onto our guest room bed to yell at me into my face. It was terrifying.

Most relevant to this post, he would pull my hands away from my face if I was trying to hide from him (because I was scared or later because I didn't want him to see me uncontrollably cry) and he would make me look at him in the eye as he was yelling at me.

Something about the way my partner today grabbed me and stood over me and ordered me to look him in the eye made me lose it. It also made me realize how similar his mannerisms were to my dad's when he was being dominant, how there were similarities in his tone and body language and even the words he used. And here I was, in a state in which I could easily have just broken down sobbing and needed to process this memory from my childhood, with someone there who I didn't know well, didn't really want to be a sexual partner with, and with whom I was already having a very awkward conversation.

I held back on the emotional fireworks until after he left (and he did leave not too long after that). But it's really weird to realize that at least a big chunk of my interest in D/s comes from my history with my father. Like, the mysterious element that drew me to this guy was that he reminds me of my father. (Ew.) That's why I felt submissive to him. I've got mother-fucking daddy issues. Goddammit.

Also, it is now clear to me that while I can play with spanking and bondage and hair pulling and forceful oral and whatever other physical SM stuff I like with casual partners, I definitely should not do D/s or other role playing stuff unless it's with somebody I already deeply trust and care about. Because it sucked to have to process what came up today by myself. And I wouldn't have been able to do so with this partner I didn't know well.

So, I guess we'll call this Another Fucking Growth Opportunity and set a new boundary for casual play. And I'll be more cautious moving forward. It was a rough afternoon, but I guess in the end it's good to know. Sigh.