I've been feeling dissatisfied lately with my play as a bottom. I thought for a while that it was because I keep having these short scenes at play parties that only tease me, getting me into a nice head space only to be over as soon as I arrive there. I still think that's part of it, but I've realized it's not the whole story.

When I was in San Francisco, I visited with the lover I met and spent lots of time with at Dark Odyssey Summer Camp. We spent most of the day just hanging out, and we fooled around for maybe twenty minutes. This was just as brief as the scenes that have been frustrating me so much, but for some reason I found it more satisfying.

The difference, I realized, is that rather than just straight up beatings without frills, the dynamic I have with this lover is much more D/s. The physical things we do together aren't even all that "kinky." It's mostly just sex stuff, with a little hitting here and there or he'll put his hand over my mouth or move me by the hair sometimes. What makes the difference, though, is that he'll talk the whole time and tell me what to do in a calm and expectant way, call me baby girl and get me to call him Sir, and tell me I'm a good girl when I do what he says.

I crave this. Playing with him, however briefly, made me realize that the power exchange is what's really been missing in my recent life. The dynamic I have with this particular guy is nice, but it doesn't have to be exactly that. I'd just like to be submissive in some capacity, rather than just bottoming for pain.

I want that feeling of giving over control. Beatings are good, but the real reason I like them is that they help bring my mind to a submissive place. I'd rather the pain be in a context of D/s than D/s kinda sorta be a part of things because there are beatings happening.

This desire is a little harder to realize than just wanting to be hit with things. So long as I know somebody has the skills and isn't a total creep, there aren't a lot of prerequisites to beat me. I feel pretty casual about it. D/s, on the other hand, requires that I trust someone enough to hand them not just physical but also emotional control. There's a more delicate balance of what excites me and what could trigger me. It requires more specific compatibility, since I like certain kinds of submission and not others. It's more complicated.

I'm going to see what I can do about this by both talking to the people I've been spending more time with, and trying to schedule some time with the play partners who I know can take me there. I'm quite happy with just about everything else going on in my relationships, so if I can get this one desire met then my life will be overall awesome sauce. It just takes some doing.

The Whole Happy New Year Thing

So, I like holidays. I love winter holidays. I think it is more crucial than can probably be expressed for us all to feel some sense of camaraderie and celebration when it gets cold and the sun is gone. As someone who feels the affects of the season (literally, as in Seasonal Affective Disorder), I very, very much appreciate the winter holidays.

I don't really like that the new year starts in January, though.

Obviously I'm just one human and my opinion on these things isn't going to stop people from calling this the new year. But I can't be the only one who thinks that they had a better idea in the days of yore in some random parts of the globe when they celebrated a new year in April instead of January. You know, when the snow has melted and the sun has come back and animals are being born and plants are starting to spring out of the earth and grow new buds and everyone is cheerful to be outside again? Seems a lot more like a renewal to me.

I don't feel very renewed this week. There's nothing about the procession of days through the winter that makes me want to examine my life and make resolutions about things I'd like to change. It feels to me more like something to get through, a season for storing stuff to deal with once the sun comes out and I've got more energy.

This year, I had a really significant birthday. I even wrote about it here. As holidays go, none are more personal than birthdays, and mine this year was an opportunity to do just what I don't feel like right now: take a look at my life and spur some action towards the things I really wanted and needed.

All of which boils down to: I don't have New Year's resolutions. Maybe you'll see some from me in April, but most likely I'll be making them for myself, on a day that makes sense to me and has very little to do with huge snow storms, heavy clothing, and darkness at 5:00pm.
On living, loving, learning, and fucking with the materials I've got at hand.

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