I don't know why these days happen.

I woke up and I don't feel like myself. I'd never really been this version of low before this school year, where I feel like nothing is real, but it's been happening more and more in the last month or two. I'm so dissociated.

There's so much for me to do, endless tasks and things I want to accomplish. I love it most of the time, but it gets so fucking heavy. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, more than usual, and I'm reaching a point where I can't cope.

And it's either that, the pressure and the to do list, or this crushing sense of dissatisfaction. And I can distract myself and even sometimes soothe myself with video games or long hours in coffee shops talking about nothing or drinking to excess late at night. I just can't take a breather or it's all right there.

So I'm sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I either see this blog as work (which I love and sometimes don't have the energy for) or as something that should be more personal than it is and I just don't have access to that part of myself right now.

And of course my damn therapist couldn't meet the last two weeks, and the rescheduled meeting last Thursday had to be a "brief check-in" because she was sick. I needed more than that, but I'm too new with her to be like "No, it's not okay, I need a real session," when she asks. And being pissed at your therapist is about the least helpful thing on the planet.

I will hate this post later, but I also want it to be here. If I'm going to be honest about being depressed (and oh, how I hate labeling that when I'm actually feeling it) then why not let the reality show? Why not call it what it is? I'm having a depressed episode, and I'll come out of it eventually, but yes it sucks right now. It might be time to just feel that.


Michael Halila said...

I don't really have anything publication-worthy to comment, but I wanted to say I feel you. This makes at least two of us on a really deep downer right now. I'd like to say something encouraging, but you know what the deal is. Nothing really is. At least I could never find anything other than just waiting for it to end.

If you ever feel like talking to someone, my e-mail is in my Blogger profile. I've been, or actually am, in a similar place, and I've always made an effort to be a listener. Besides, nothing fixes a sense of dissociation from reality like e-mails to people halfway across the world you've never met...

To sum up: Get well soon!

Anonymous said...

Wow. You describe my little depressive episodes to a T.

On living, loving, learning, and fucking with the materials I've got at hand.

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