Horizontal

I don't know why these days happen.

I woke up and I don't feel like myself. I'd never really been this version of low before this school year, where I feel like nothing is real, but it's been happening more and more in the last month or two. I'm so dissociated.

There's so much for me to do, endless tasks and things I want to accomplish. I love it most of the time, but it gets so fucking heavy. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, more than usual, and I'm reaching a point where I can't cope.

And it's either that, the pressure and the to do list, or this crushing sense of dissatisfaction. And I can distract myself and even sometimes soothe myself with video games or long hours in coffee shops talking about nothing or drinking to excess late at night. I just can't take a breather or it's all right there.

So I'm sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I either see this blog as work (which I love and sometimes don't have the energy for) or as something that should be more personal than it is and I just don't have access to that part of myself right now.

And of course my damn therapist couldn't meet the last two weeks, and the rescheduled meeting last Thursday had to be a "brief check-in" because she was sick. I needed more than that, but I'm too new with her to be like "No, it's not okay, I need a real session," when she asks. And being pissed at your therapist is about the least helpful thing on the planet.

I will hate this post later, but I also want it to be here. If I'm going to be honest about being depressed (and oh, how I hate labeling that when I'm actually feeling it) then why not let the reality show? Why not call it what it is? I'm having a depressed episode, and I'll come out of it eventually, but yes it sucks right now. It might be time to just feel that.