On Being Desired

I try to be confident in my body regardless of what other people think. You know, the old thing where you're supposed to love yourself before you can connect with others. Or whatever.

I wear what I want. I take or leave grooming habits (like shaving) as I feel like it. I have days where I don't try to be sexy. Realizing I didn't have to look good all the time, especially if I didn't want to be attracting anyone or interacting that way, was a huge thing. It's a relief to be able to say, "I'm not feeling sexy today, so I'm not going to dress to impress," and feel fine about it.

It does, however, feel really good to be desired. Especially by a lot of people.

It's pretty great to sleep with somebody and see in their eyes that they're impressed by you, and so happy to be getting to touch you. It's really nice to hear that I'm sexy or hot and to have people appreciate how I look. It's a total ego boost to get however many messages a day on OkCupid. These days, people are telling me they want me all the time.

I don't want to be dependent on these things, though. I feel sexy on my own and that should probably be enough, but I'm basking in the attention. I'm worried I might be enjoying it too much, that I'll get used to it. I know it's a part of the confidence boost I've been having lately.

I don't want to be one of those women who despairs at getting old, who tries too hard to hang onto her youthful life and body. I really look forward to getting older, to getting to know more things and do more and have a different outlook. I want to have more experiences in my memory that I've learned from. I want to see how I change. I'm going to do my best to enjoy all of it.

Being "young and hot," though, is addictive. I get all kinds of good feelings from people noticing and appreciating my looks. I can imagine myself being disappointed as I age, when my body changes, when it's different after I have children, when I don't fit the silly ideal and people might not pay to see me naked anymore.

I know the best I can do is try to understand that sexiness is about a lot more than fitting into a physical ideal. There are so many ways to be sexy. I've got to remember that, and try to appreciate this vessel I walk around in for what it can do, not just what it looks like. I'm sure I'll manage it and be fine. It's just a question of reminding myself and not getting too caught up in the young, thin, and hot hype.


Unknown said...

Two things: 1) The mere fact that you're reflecting on it makes it seem unlikely that you'll ever depend on this state. It serves as an anchor to keep you grounded, check in with yourself, and pull out of it if you need to. "Do I like this? Of course. Can I do without it? Of course." And if you check in and you're not feeling it, you can deal with it ahead of time. Without the reflection, this stuff can leave and one would never see it coming, along with all the resulting distress.

2) I've found that such reflective people, no matter how they age or how their bodies change, have their adorers. They have a confidence that never ceases to be sexy.

I think it's funny that there's this mistrust of the things outside of us that make us feel good. I've had similar reflections in the past (a looooong time ago, back when it was justified :P) to the point of guilt over arrogance and vanity (I even confessed it. I used to confess such things to priests back then). The mistrust and reflection is important, I think, so long as we don't sabotage the good feeling.

Unknown said...

Very well put, thank you.

On living, loving, learning, and fucking with the materials I've got at hand.

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