On Being Assertive

So, my current professional and personal life goal is to learn to be more assertive in my flirtations, my rebuttal of others' sexual attentions, and in the bedroom.

As a domme, it's professionally essential that I find a way to be comfortable with topping these men who come in and want to pay me hundreds of dollars to do so. They want me to call them sluts and worms and dogs and whatever, they want me to step on them or beat them and humiliate the shit out of them. There's a very large part of me that goes "Eek! But that's mean!"

I'm starting, though, to embrace it. I can see the change in the rest of my life, too. I went out clubbing the other weekend at Webster Hall. I had no idea where I was going - I was just along for the ride - but apparently this is a too-well-known and therefore sketchy place to go dance. LOTS of men who will throw themselves at you. And they did.

But I told them to fuck off! Well, not all of them. I was a little kinder to a few, but I routinely and calmly rejected them if I didn't want to dance with them. I just danced with my roommate, and when I did finally find someone attractive, I made out with him. And then left. It was altogether awesome because I felt fully in control of the situation.

My goal for the next while is to strike up one conversation each day with someone I don't know who looks interesting or attractive. If I go on any dates, I want to be the one to initiate physical contact, even if that just means holding hands. If I see an interesting profile on OKCupid, I will in fact message the person. These sound like little things, but they're challenging to me and I intend to conquer them. A few baby steps, and I'll be there. Whee!


MommyLovesStilettos said...

I think that's great :) GOOD LUCK!! :)

Anonymous said...

So you're that one. I'm sorry to say this, but that act's been done. You'll have to throw a little creativity in there.

Everyone's been shot down at a dance club. No one's going to remember that. I'd bet almost everyone's made out with a stranger at a dance club too.

I'm not suggesting anything lewd, but if you're going to shoot them down, make them remember. If you're going to make out randomly, make sure they have more to say to the boys than "It happened again".

Unknown said...

I don't really give a shit what they say to their boys, or whether they remember me. If I wanted to "make them remember" I have plenty of ways of doing that.

Being assertive is about my own peace of mind and establishing my own boundaries. It's about taking care of my feelings and letting other people do the same.

It's not about leaving some lasting impression on men so that they like me better. I'm dealing with the opposite problem here: they like me too much and for the wrong reasons. Therefore, getting rid of them effectively is what I'm after. And that, in fact, is what I did.

On living, loving, learning, and fucking with the materials I've got at hand.

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