In Public

I haven't been writing here. Unlike my usual dry spells, it's not because I've been especially depressed or lacking in words. I've been doing pretty well and thinking and working a lot. It's not for lack of material or desire, I just haven't felt comfortable putting everything online.

I've been pretty personal in this blog, yes, but the things I've been working on lately have felt too private to share here. In the past, a lot of my work was academic and therefore the thoughts I shared were on world problems, feminism, sex work, psychology, relationship theories, etc. I might've had a personal stake in those things, but they were ultimately universal issues. These days it's not really like that.

I've been spending a lot of time delving into deep parts of myself. I'm doing some hard work on finding and loving and healing pieces of me that aren't well-lit or comfortable. Working through family dynamics and habits, figuring out how to form trusting relationships (and why that's hard for me), finding and examining strong fears and insecurities. It's vulnerable stuff, and much harder to write about.

Another reason to hold back is that a bunch of people I know in real life are now reading this blog. I can't just say stuff into the ether; it comes back to me in the flesh. It's easier to be anonymously vulnerable to an audience of strangers than it is to bare my soul to a person who will look me in the eye and ask me about it tomorrow. It also feels passive aggressive to write about things I wouldn't say to someone's face but which I know they'll read. I much prefer direct, conscientious communication.

The thing is, I really want to write. I suppose it doesn't have to be here, but this is the best forum I've got and I want to keep it alive. Writing is good to me, it's therapeutic, it stimulates my mind and emotions. I love to write. I love to be creative. I need that outlet.

I'm not sure exactly what to do about this. Maybe I could take the blog in a different direction. Maybe I just need to write more for myself, audience be damned. Maybe I should screw my courage to the sticking point and do a little soul baring. I've always believed in and talked about the subversive and transformational power of being genuine and sharing vulnerability, but it's different to act on it when I feel genuinely vulnerable. It's scarier.

We'll see. Either there will be a change in the wind here and a lot more writing, or there won't. We'll just see.

3 comments:

Trust said...

"I've always believed in and talked about the subversive and transformational power of being genuine and sharing vulnerability, but it's different to act on it when I feel genuinely vulnerable. It's scarier."

The reason sharing vulnerability is so powerful, is because it is scary. Because there isn't a safety net when you tell people what your weaknesses are, there is no protection from someone using that against you. But sharing it is also empowering. And that too can be scary.

All of this is just to say I understand at least that aspect of where you are coming from, and that you have support (yes I realize I'm a total random stranger) no matter what you choose to do.

Paradox said...

Thanks. I do really appreciate the support, even from a random stranger.

I'm still thinking on how I want to proceed, but I'm pretty sure I want it to involve more writing and a better fleshed out picture of how I live and what I think and feel. I'm figuring out what that's going to look like, and I hope I'll find a way to keep it interesting!

Die alte Aechzener said...

As another random stranger, who's been admiring your writing (and your guts in being so open), I hope you'll carry on writing, somewhere accessible - as Trust said, opening and sharing your vulnerability can be empowering, if utterly terrifying.

On living, loving, learning, and fucking with the materials I've got at hand.

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