Insatiable

Sex is so funny.

The more of it I have, the more of it I want. I mean, I do want sex all the time, but I especially want it after I've had some.

I got to have good sex for a few hours today, and it was lovely. I was quite tired and satisfied afterwards...for about five minutes. And then I was ready to go again. My ex-whatever calls me his energizer bunny. It's not so far off.

I'm pretty sure that if I could always be having sex, with short breaks for cuddling, I'd be a happy person. Of course there are lots of other things I want to do, but in a purely physical way I'd almost always rather be having sex.

I guess that's what they make vibrators for. I should get some rechargeable batteries so I'm not contributing to global warming with my masturbation.

Nearly-Anonymous Sex?

I've been really wanting to fuck someone I don't know very well. Just for fun.

I want that dirty sex, the kind that feels a little tense, maybe removed, where the release is more psychological than physical. I'm frustrated by my usual restraint; I want to break it down, push it through, fuck it.

It's been a really long time since I've had this urge; maybe since my freshman year. These days it's so easy for me to have friendly, gleeful sex that I haven't tapped into that part of me that's influenced by the taboo, by what I used to call the "dark side" of sex. I'm not entirely sure what's brought it on.

This kind of urge, for me, is usually directed towards men. I guess it's easier to engineer casual sex with them, but I think it has more to do with why I feel this way in the first place. I want to exercise and exorcise something I feel is going on with my gender and the men around me.

I don't know whether I'll actually act on it. There are very specific circumstances in which I feel comfortable with casual sex, and they all involve mutual respect and a very clear understanding (as much as I can ensure those things after a brief acquaintance). Unless I can find someone in my upstate NY city who can respectfully negotiate disrespectful sex, I can't really see it happening. We shall see, though. Maybe the blow job queen is back for a limited engagement.

Blogging, Lack of Sleep, Six Feet Under

I've had trouble blogging the past few days. I think the biggest reason is that instead of sleeping I've been watching Six Feet Under, which I love, but I need my beauty rest to be able to string together any words that make sense.

I finally finished the series, which might mean I'll get some sleep tonight. Once I start watching a show I like, I just have to get all the way through it. Start to finish. I really recommend Six Feet Under to anyone; it's got some great commentary on the family and contemporary culture. I mean, it's made by HBO, I guess you have to expect quality.

The last few episodes of the show, though, were just horribly depressing. It's generally about death, but it's darkly hilarious and I usually enjoy it immensely. I think in finishing the series they felt like they had to bring it to a more serious place. It's put me in a down mood, along with my usual susceptibility to hormones and grumpiness. It's so funny how the lives of these imaginary characters can affect me in real life.

With my lowness, I've been at a little loss for what to write about here. Blogging is such a funny animal. There are actually plenty of things going on in my life right now that I could talk about, but I hesitate to put them here. Enough people read my ramblings now that I am too aware of my audience. I want to take risks with my writing, but I don't want to lay myself completely bare for all to see or step on. It's a fine line to walk, between honesty and needless vulnerability.

I've got a couple of big posts under construction, and after I get a real night or two of sleep I'll put them up. Right now, though, I need to lie down and have a good wank. Nothing better for a little cheer than good old-fashioned masturbation.

My PMS Needs

I want somebody around that I can fight with.

I haven't had my period in a long time. I think it's because my IUD thins the lining of my uterus, and I just haven't had anything to bleed out. I still have normal hormone cycles, though, and I'm pretty sure that if I had anything to bleed I'd have my period right now. I've got cramps and everything.

And I'm cranky as hell. I want to get into it with someone, just let a little of the chemical crankiness out. Pick a stupid fight.

But I don't feel comfortable picking a fight with someone I'm not close with. Maybe that's fucked up, but generally speaking people I like enough to get close to can take it. They know me better than to take my fight-picking seriously. I mean, rough sex would work, too. I just need some kind of wrassle.

I can't fight with people I'm not close to because in order to fight you have to show emotion. And I just don't do that until I've known someone for a good long time and trust them really, really well. There's no one like that in my life right now.

I need a primary partner. That's just what it comes down to. There are a million reasons. I'd really like someone around to support me while I'm trying to take care of everyone else. I want someone to have regular sex with. I'd like more cuddling in my life. I want to be able to tell some of my secrets.

And I wanna fight. I want the push-pull that only happens when I respect someone enough to care about their opinion. It'd just be fun. I miss it.