The Last Mistress: Um, Yum

I just saw The Last Mistress.

Two things:


and



Oh yeah, and it was a damn good movie. I really like Catherine Breillat, the director. Watch it.

Internet Goddesses and Gods

Every time I click through to my Google feed reader, I end up browsing the internet for hours and hours on end. It is an inevitable fact of my life. Not only are all the essays and journals and stories and pictures on all the blogs I read interesting in and of themselves, they all link to other equally interesting essays, articles, sites, photos, and whatever. It's a never-ending link cycle.

I love this about blogs.

And it drives me crazy. I want to keep up with all the blogs I like. I really do. It's so hard, though, when I know that even just clicking the mouse that one little time will cause me to spend the next few hours of my life staring at a computer screen. It's always fun and fruitful, but I also always have other things that real life tells me I should be doing.

Then there are the Mega Blogs. You know, those blogs that always seem to be linking to something new and interesting. Yes, if I click on my reader at all, I'll end up on the internet forever. There are certain blogs, though, which I know will distract me even more. Eat the entire day if I let them. There's always tons of good stuff on these blogs. You must know a few like this. The authors seem to be on top of everything that happens in cyberland and they're always finding awesome sites to link to and talk about. They debate topics that are current in the blogosphere. They comment on everyone's blogs.

I am in total awe of these people. Audacia Ray. Violet Blue. Amber Rhea. Viviane. Renegade Evolution. And yeah, all those people are a bit specific to the sex blog-o-sphere and feminism and the like, but hey, it's me. What do you expect?

I wish I were able to as on top of the internet shit as they are. I can barely even manage to blog as often as I do. There's too much online and in the real world. I have no idea how to spread out my attention and get everything done that I want to.

Turning

I turned 21 a couple of days ago. I had an absolutely lovely brunch (with mimosas) and dinner with my parents. They splurged on this amazing meal, which was like being in mouth heaven. Oral sex, except not the usual way. Then I went out and did the bar crawl thing, which was fun but not that exciting since it's not like I haven't done it before. Overall, though, I'd say it was one of my best birthdays ever.

It's funny, during life events like that. I only get to turn 21 once, so I'm trying to pay close attention to everything so I can record the experience in my memory. It seems so fleeting, and I want it to last in some way. I think that's one reason I like writing so much. It's a way for me to preserve my life, to draw it out and get as much out of it as I can. Yeah, I only get to live each experience once, but I can rethink them and relearn from them and relive them a little through my writing.

One other nice thing that happened on my birthday was that I ran into a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence. If you don't know who they are, click through and learn about them. They're awesome.

She was one of the only female Sisters, and she carried around a special pot of glitter with, as she put it, "a few special dead people" and some Burning Man soil and other special things in it. She did this little blessing for me in honor of my birthday and glittered me, and it was lovely.

I've been feeling lately like I'm in the thick (you know, slogging molasses thick) of coming of age. I'm right on the cusp of this weird thing, being an adult. I know in a lot of ways I already am an adult, but over the course of this summer I've really started to feel it. It's an odd thing.

People have started to treat me differently; other adults approach me as an equal, not a subordinate. I've started to have different relationships with my parents and people their age. It isn't so much that they're my elders and I must listen to them. It's become a question of respect and trying, on my own, to learn from them. A mentoring relationship more than a parenting one.

I feel a little alone in this transition, though. I don't have any kind of larger community of adults to welcome me into their folds. My closest friends are young; I still haven't successfully jumped the generation gap. I can see now how a faith community would be nice. All those rituals--Bar Mitzvahs, Confirmation, Menarche, whatever--to welcome new adults are really helpful, although they happen a little young. I'm not a spiritual person, but I've been feeling a lack of ritual in my life. Not all rituals have to be spiritual, they can just be about life.

I think I'm going to find a way to create my own ritual. When I'm back at school and surrounded by my loved ones, my chosen family, I want to celebrate adulthood in some way. Anyone have any glowing ideas for adulthood rituals? I feel like the more community input I have, the better.

Explicitness On Stage

We had an all dancer meeting today in the peep show. We went through some of the obvious business stuff like finances and scheduling issues and dancer conflicts. The most interesting conversation of the day, though, revolved around the explicitness of our stage show.

Where I work, there is a main stage where three to five dancers perform at a time. There is also a "Private Pleasures" booth where a solo girl can give more "explicit" shows to one (or two, if they're a couple) customer at a time. These can involve masturbation or dildos or dirty talk. The customers get to direct the action, and it's a way for a single girl to be more directly involved in a customer's fantasy.

Of course, the existence of this booth means that we need to keep things slightly less "explicit" on the stage show. If we're sitting there with our legs spread and talking dirty to the customers in the one-dollar stage show, why would they pay twenty dollars to go into Private Pleasures?

The problem becomes how we define explicitness. My job is a very cooperative place; all the dancers reinforce the rules for each other and we govern our dancing together. Which means that when we try to define "explicitness" it becomes a long and involved discussion.

It's been hard, as a new girl, to figure out exactly what I should be doing on the main stage. Some of the girls who have been there longer stand there with their feet up on the window, pussy wide open for the customer to practically breathe on through the glass. Other girls barely ever show cunt at all. Some will flash it standing by the mirrors at the back of the room, so you know, it's not like he can see it all that well. During my whole career as a dancer, I've tried to pick up tricks from other girls and learn by example. It's been a little tricky in the peep show.

Seems like the bottom line is "don't show too much pussy."

I like, though, to play the tease. Shocking, right, a stripper who's a tease? It's one of my favorite parts of the job. To get someone so involved in what I'm doing, to watch them be full of desire because I'm not quite giving them what they want. In the peep show I can do it safely, too, because it's not like they can try to grab me through the glass.

So I can play coy with my cunt. In the end it doesn't put me out at all. Once I'm trained for Private Pleasures, I can collect on some of the desire I'm denying. I'm definitely looking forward to playing a more active role in getting my customers off.

Let's Talk About Sex?

I've been porn shopping, again, because my birthday is coming up and if people are going to give me presents, they might as well be X-rated.

The weird, very weird, thing is that I run across a lot of my boss's porn. I mean, yeah, I've known all along that she does porn. She's also got an obvious sex appeal and a lot of what we do at the gallery is based around sexuality. It's just a little funny to read the descriptions of her as product, as sex object and submissive on these porn sales sites. She tries to be very professional at work, and it's a whole different side of things.

I'm a part of the sex industry, through the stripping, and I'm getting more and more used to the idea of sex as a product and a performance. It still makes me smirk and feel a little funny when I see someone's personal attributes quantified for a price. I don't know, it's kind of nice to know people who work in porn and to know them in the context of real life as opposed to just as their porno characters, their sales pitch personae. It's a good reminder that people can be many things at once, even when they seem to contrast.

I think it's mostly weird because people so carefully avoid talking about actual sex and real desire in professional or polite company. It still happens in the sexuality world, which is odd. Yes, we talk about sex in an intellectual and political way and we work a lot with sexual themes or objects or films. It still doesn't seem, though, like people express anything genuinely sexual unless they're mid-act or about to be.

I don't have any conclusions to make about this, but it's a strange observation.

Sexy Clothings

I have decided that I need a Sugar Daddy/Mommy/Friend/Whatever to buy me expensive beautiful lingerie. Because I want it.

That and socks. And stockings. And sexy shoes.


Sock Dreams. Oh, how I love you.

Oh hell. If I had a million dollars I'd have so much hot loungewear even I would not be able to have enough sex to keep up with the costume changes.

Growing Up?

It is the very weirdest thing to be getting near the age some of my teachers were when I was in high school.

I was listening to an old CD from my high school choir tonight and feeling nostalgic about the great teacher I had. He was young, we were his first choir, he was passionate and a good teacher and we did very well as a result. So I looked him up on facebook.

He left my high school a year after I did and just finished getting his Master's degree. I plan on starting my Master's degree in just over a year. I thought back and realized he was 23 when I first had him as a teacher. That's only two years older than I am now.

This is trippy. I mean, I've slept with people who are as old as he is now. Not that I'd ever want to sleep with him; he's kinda floppy, and just not my type. But there are Facebook pictures of him with a girlfriend or whatever. Partying. Etc. It's just like the kinds of things I do now.

I'm at this weird point where I'm starting to interact with adults like I'm one of them. You know, we have things in common, we can talk like equals. I can work for them, work with them, sometimes they even work for me. It's just very odd. And also pretty cool.

I feel like I'm standing right smack on this line between being a kid and being a "grown up." Not like "Oh, I suddenly know everything because I'm an adult!" I think everyone is really a child in the face of everything there is to know and learn in the world. I just feel more adult in the way people see me, the way my interactions with strangers have changed. It's kind of nice.