Blow Job

Well, I just gave a blow job. And got nothing in return. Took about thirty seconds.

I guess it's a nice affirmation that I'm good at that, but it wasn't very satisfying. Even though I've been fantasizing about sex where I'm used by a man, I do want to get something out of it for myself. Perhaps I need to do a better job of articulating what's in it for me, and asking for it.

Yes, I do love giving head, and I like to please whoever I'm with, even and sometimes especially in the absence of my own physical release. It's about more than just an orgasm.

That's exactly it, though: it's about more than an orgasm. I don't want to be a masturbation toy. I don't mind (I like!) getting someone off, so long as they interact with me a little, make it into an exchange. If you don't swap physical pleasure, at least trade me some enjoyment and playfulness, or give and take some power.

This guy who just left after he came (I told him I wouldn't be calling him again) really just sat there and took it. He made very little noise, didn't voice much appreciation, didn't seem to give a thought to how I might feel about what I was doing. He just kinda came. I might as well not have been there.

I suppose, yes, I do feel used in the bad way. I'm not super upset about it, but it did get me thinking about the whole blow job queen scenario.

What do I want out from it? I want to feel like I'm giving someone pleasure, I want to see and feel their enjoyment. I like that. I get off on it. That's what I get out of it. There you go. This time, it was lacking.

By the way, for those who don't know, the "blow job queen" thing is actually a Liz Phair reference, from her excellent song Flower:


This is a disorganized post, I know, but it's just the thoughts as they came. Maybe I'll clarify this more in the future, figure it out a little better.