Eroticizing Patriarchy Makes It Stronger My Ass

The idea that eroticizing something solidifies it in your mind, protects it from critical thinking, and maintains the power structures that resulted in that eroticization does not ring true to me.

I just realized this.

I am very critical of the things I eroticize. I try and figure out why I do it. I want to know where the little kinks come from and why they've become sexy and I'm constantly analyzing my feelings about sex and my sexual actions. Yeah, I don't always change what I do based on what I figure out. Sometimes it's okay for me to eroticize something like power relations or patriarchy because I know that's what I'm doing. It's a way of dealing with my feelings about these things, it lets me reclaim them. Sex is something over which I have control. If I can exercise control over an area where I am powerless by making it a sexual thing, kudos to me.

So yes, I do sometimes eroticize patriarchal things. I know this. I am feminine and a bottom in sex. I like it when others initiate sex and are in control. Some of that is because I am a girl and I have been harassed for being a "slut" and I'm afraid to show sexual desire. I don't want to be treated badly as a result of my sexuality, so I am more wont to let someone else approach me. There are other reasons, like the fact that I'm very reserved in general, but I acknowledge that it's largely my reaction to being put down because I'm a woman.

I do (usually successfully) challenge myself with this. I definitely can and have and do approach people with the intention of romancing or seducing them. But I also allow myself to be turned on by someone approaching me, by someone else being the top during sex, by letting go of control. I don't think my continued enjoyment here is undermining my understanding of its source.

Another note:

I like to be tied up because as I said I am very very reserved...restrained, real life. I do not let go of control, I am very driven, I am powerful, and I'm almost always on guard. I talked a couple weeks ago about how I keep my feelings close to my vest. I like to be restrained (by a man or a woman, I have no preference here) because when I am physically restrained I feel psychologically freer. I don't have to rely any more on my psychological restraints because I am held in physical ones. It feels safer and risky and hot all at the same time, and even allows me to get closer to my partner. It is closely tied in with trust and emotion.

This has nothing to do with eroticizing patriarchy. I thought about that. I've had to deal with it as I've been learning about feminism and creating my opinions on sex and gender and relationships and then trying to apply them to my own life. I don't think anyone should be dismissing certain behaviors as necessarily or inherently patriarchy-induced because we can't know the root of a behavior unless we're the one doing it. We should all have the right to decide for ourselves.


Myca said...

I think that, specifically in the context of BDSM, it's worth discussing whether it is actually patriarchial.

I mean, 'men tying up women,' yes, got it. But here's the thing, it's not just that. It's discussion and negotiation and limits and very explicit granting of consent and strict attention to safewords ... and that's not any patriarchy I know.

Sure, I can see the objections to the surface stuff, but once you go beyond the surface, it's a pretty good model for all sexual relationships.


On living, loving, learning, and fucking with the materials I've got at hand.

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