It's Not Easy to Get Me Off

I've been masturbating for a very long time. Since I was about six or seven, I think, although I don't remember having orgasms exactly until I hit puberty. It just felt really good, and then it would stop feeling really good all of a sudden. No peak, just a termination. I got there eventually, though, and it was great.

I've gotten more sophisticated in the ways that I masturbate over the years. I went from rubbing myself against bean bag chairs and stuffed animals to using a tiny bullet vibrator. I now have a lovely collection of toys and I like to play with them in different combinations. Sometimes I watch porn. Sometimes I invite a partner.

One thing that I don't do, however, is masturbate using just my fingers. I have done it a few times when I really felt like I shouldn't make any noise. But I think I can count on my hands the number of times I've come from my hands.

The truth of the matter is that I have an extremely sensitive clitoris. Generally speaking, fingers are too rough for it and I desensitize quickly. I just don't come from manual stimulation, and even with oral sex it takes a little practice to figure me out. It seems that many women like flicking or good amounts of friction, and that doesn't work for me.

What I didn't realize until recently was how embarrassed I was that it's not easy for me to come. I'm this big sex nerd, I try to know and learn as much as I can about sex, I have lots of sex, I'm sexually open, and yet it's not so easy to get me to orgasm. I feel awkward that it usually takes a session or two with a new lover before they've mastered the art of my orgasm.

Most often, I can communicate my way to the Big O anyway, even if it's just because I let my partner take the assist while I masturbate with a vibrator. So it really shouldn't be a big deal. But there are those times when I've given several tips about what to do, I'm turned on so it's hard to articulate about the right tongue stroke, I've been close for fifteen minutes but am starting to get desensitized, and it's just so depressing to tell them it's not going to happen.

It is superbly frustrating for me not to come, but I feel like I have to hide my frustration to avoid bruising egos. Most of the time I'll just move us on to other things without commenting on it, but if they've been going down on me for twenty minutes then that's kind of hard to do. I do actually (shame of shames) fake orgasm from time to time if they're doing the right thing and for some reason it's just not working this time. It's pretty rare, but as a sex educator who tells people never to do that, it makes a hypocrite out of me.

This is something I want to work on and overcome. I'm not exactly sure what's the source of this embarrassment, other than the fact that I'm just as influenced as anyone by our culture's emphasis on sexual performance. But I do know that orgasm isn't everything and if I don't communicate honestly about my sexual needs then I'll never have them met. I want to live up to my own advice. Confessing this all here seems like a good start.

25 Things About My Sexuality

I'm sure you've all seen the 25 things meme on Facebook or wherever, given that the New York Times wrote about it. There's a new blog up where folks can anonymously share 25 things about their sexuality. It's an interesting read and I figured it'd be fun to join in. I'm posting my 25 things on here, since this blog has enough anonymity for me.

1. I'm a stripper (duh, if you read this blog) and I've dated/had sex with exactly one man that I met at work. It was when I first started and he was very cute and nice, but terrible in bed. After our first time, I stopped seeing him.

2. My first clue that I was interested in women was when I was 12. I had a sex dream about my sister. I was pretty horrified and upset, but also suddenly realized that I was seeing women in a sexual way. This was quite separate from my sister, but it's always bugged me that she was in the dream that brought me to that realization.

3. I "came out of the closet" at the exact moment that I realized the label bisexual could apply to me. I was on the bus on the way home from school and discussing what bisexuality meant with some acquaintances. I said "I know I'm attracted to guys, but I'm pretty sure I'm also into girls. So yeah, I guess I'm bisexual." Thank you, California upbringing.

4. I once gave a boyfriend a blow job in front of a pack (flock? gaggle?) of wild turkeys. Really.

5. I almost never masturbate with my fingers. I went from rubbing myself against a stuffed animal for years to using a vibrator. Fingers are generally too rough for my very sensitive clit. I can make it work, but it takes a LOT of effort and lube.

6. The first person I fell in love with was an emotionally abusive asshole. The only good things he did for me were teach me how to drink and give me lots of good sex. He also made me feel bad, though, about sex, as part of the whole abuse thing. I'm proud of myself for getting out of it before he became physically abusive, as he did with his next girlfriend.

7. I took naked pictures of myself when I was a teen and sent them to at least one person I was having random cyber sex with. My mom found them on my computer and chose to believe me when I told her they were just for me. I deleted them. It makes me feel kind of awkward (and scared, given recent prosecutions) that they may still be out there.

8. I didn't have sex with a woman until I got to college. This made me feel a little like a fraud saying I was bisexual, but I knew it was true. I didn't tell my first few female sexual partners how inexperienced I was. I wish I had, so I could've spent that time learning from them.

9. When I was young I used to have fantasies about being tied up by a male figure and put in cold places or deprived of food and then fed grapes. They were vague fantasies and not exactly sexual as I'd mean the word now. They were arousing, though, in a not-quite-sexual-yet-but-almost way.

10. I keep a list of all the people I've had sexual encounters with. If I didn't, I'd have trouble naming them all, particularly in order. I like to look back at it and remember.

11. I used to read and write erotic short stories and romance and erotic novels. I got teased at school for reading "porn for women," which actually didn't bother me at all. I was kind of proud.

12. I've never watched that much porn although I find it very arousing. It's too much effort to find what I like to see, and I can get off just fine without it. Lately, I've been trying harder.

13. My first time having anal sex was when the afore-mentioned abusive boyfriend got me drunk on his birthday. I was open to the idea sober so I didn't mind. However, the only time we'd talked about it, I'd said I wasn't sure. I'm pretty certain that he was getting me drunk so I'd do it, which is really rapey. It's a weird situation because I was actually willing despite the alcohol, but he didn't know that.

14. I love group sex. I want to have much, much more of it. I've had a few really good threesomes, a foursome with all bi folks which was fantastic, and one of my favorite sex experiences was a lesbian orgy in San Francisco I was lucky enough to be invited to.

15. I have had sex in all kinds of ridiculous places. I've posted here before about how much I love public sex. It's definitely something I've done a lot and will continue to do.

16. I'm just starting to really experiment with BDSM. I've been interested in it for a long time, but the community's focus on pushing boundaries was really intimidating. I'm finally at a point where I'm comfortable negotiating exactly what I want so I can feel okay with someone topping me. Boundary pushing can come over time.

17. I really like being spanked. I'm not sure why this is as I was never spanked as a kid and it's arousing in absence of any role playing. I just like the way it feels; it turns me on.

18. I go through phases where I'm more attracted to one sex/gender than others, but normally I'm pretty pansexual. I don't identify as pansexual because most of the people I've met who do are kind of annoying. Growing up, being pansexual was the cool, non-conformist thing to do and I still associate it with that.

19. The more sex advice I give, the more I realize how little I actually know about sex and the more comfortable I get with that fact. There are always more questions and new things to learn!

20. I like sex outside of committed relationships, but not really "casual" sex. I want to have a connection with someone I'm sleeping with, even if it's just once for forty minutes. Otherwise it's not particularly satisfying to me, even if I have fifteen orgasms.

21. I almost always masturbate before I go to sleep. I often also masturbate at random moments during the day when I'm reading or bored or just horny. It's been a very long time since I've gone more than one day without masturbating.

22. I sometimes get aroused during lap dances. It has a lot to do with how respectful and responsive my customer is. If he or she is both, I'll get turned on.

23. The only things I can think of when my mom asks me "What do you want for your birthday?" are more sex toys. They're some of the only things I want that are too expensive to buy for myself. It doesn't seem appropriate, despite our good relationship, to ask Mom for them.

24. My best friend calls me "Little Nelly Bottom." I worry sometimes that by being more of a bottom I'm not contributing enough to sex. I know that bottoming for me is as much about giving and wanting to please, but I still wonder sometimes if I'm being lazy by wanting my partner(s) to take control.

25. I'm hugely orally fixated, in a not-just-a-joke kind of way. I love giving head and kissing and using my mouth as much as possible during sex. I have a candy problem. I chew on things. When I masturbate, I do things with my mouth like bite my pillow, suck on my fingers, or go down on a dildo.

That's so Hardcore, Man!

There's this weird idea that we have as a culture, that there is a scale of sex acts from "normal" to "waaaaaay kinky and degraded and weird." Like drugs, as though sex comes in different doses depending on the act, and that you can develop a tolerance and need More Extreme Sex to maintain your erotic high. You'll keep upping the dosage to stay interested in sex.

I think, though, that basically all sex is created equal. If you've got consent, it's all good. And sure, everyone's turned on more by some things than others. It's just that across the board that all tends to level out and we've got a giant pool of sex acts that are all just sex acts.

Each person is sexually unique, and we all change sexually over time. As we get more comfortable with sex, sure we might want to explore things that we were afraid of before we realized that the social norms are bullshit. But it's not like appreciating one sex act (which may or may not be "extreme") has to affect your appreciation for another.

Like I said, we do all have changing preferences over time, and I think it's all pretty flowy. There are times when I just wanna have sex while spooning because I want closeness and comfort. I want to stare into my partner's eyes and make love like bunnies. There are also times when I want to be tied up in a public bathroom, spanked, and fucked. These desires are not mutually exclusive.

This bleeds into a lot of discourse on sex. You'll hear people saying all the time that they're afraid of exploring their sexuality because "where do you draw the line?" If you watch gay porn, or anal porn, or any fetish porn, or god-forbid-engage-in-any-non-missionary-heterosexual-vanilla-sex-acts, you're starting down a path that will inevitably lead to Bestiality! and Child Molestation! Sex is a slippery slope! (Ahem, so to speak.)

In talks of sex addiction (which I think is mostly bunko), there's the concept that you can be drawn in deeper and deeper to sexuality, as though there is a rote "normal" level of sex and everything else is like heroine: impossible to resist once you've had a taste. I don't want to disrespect anybody who has issues of sexual compulsion, I just think that sex addiction is based way too much on ideas of a norm.

Let's have an attitude adjustment here. Just do what turns you on; it doesn't matter whether it's supposedly kinky or not. We have the ability to choose what we want to do. Our feelings about sex are going to vary hugely from person to person. Do YOU score a 10 on the Richter scale of kink? Who cares? Live your life.

Tuesday Review: The LayaSpot from Fun Factory

I'm starting a new weekly review! It's on Tuesdays because unexpectedly life-altering things always happen on Tuesdays. It's that day of the week that sneaks up on you. So maybe my reviews will change your life. Mwahahahaha.

I know there are a million bloggers (and especially sex bloggers) writing reviews of sex toys and other sexy shit all the time. I'm going to do that, too, but I also want to write about books that have blown my little feminist mind and movies that have stretched my imagination. I'll write about porn, too. Hell, I'll talk about random office products or food items if the mood strikes me. (You'd be surprised how sexy some paper weights can be.)

So this shall be the Everything Review.

Starting wiiiiiiiiiiiiith:


The LayaSpot Vibrator from Fun Factory

This is my favorite vibrator. That's why I'm reviewing it first. I've had it for years, and it lives on my bedside table instead of in the drawer with the rest of them. To put it away would be silly - I use it too often. I've gotten many other toys, but none of them have successfully unseated my Laya in its place of honor.

The biggest reason for this is that the Laya has the perfect level of vibration for me. Everyone is different, but I'm not always in the mood for a powerhouse like the Hitachi Magic Wand. The Laya has some kick; it's definitely more of a buzz than a tickle, but it doesn't leave my hands and clit numb unless I use it for a good long time. If a tiny tickle is a 1 and a motorcycle rumble is a 5, I'd say the Laya rates a 3 on the vibration scale.

It's also pretty quiet. When I had a roommate, I used it plenty of times when she was asleep across the room, and she's never heard it. And yeah, I asked her. We're pretty close like that.

I use the Laya as an external vibe. I really like how it covers my whole vulva, so I get stimulation on my lips, urethra, and the opening of my vagina as well as on my clit. I can see how you'd use it by inserting the hard plastic end into the vagina and letting the rest of the body of the vibrator touch the lips and clit. It's kind of an awkward angle to do this, though, so I wouldn't especially recommend it as an internal vibrator.

It's got very user-friendly controls. It's super easy to push the buttons and change the vibration while you're using it. There's a little nub on the plus button, so you can just feel your way and adjust as you go. The seven speeds of vibration are continuous, so you can just push the plus or minus button until you get to a place you like.

It also has three speeds of pulsation. The only problem with the pulsation is that you have to turn the vibrator all the way up before you get to the pulsation programs. This means that in order to turn it off when it's pulsating you have to push the minus button all the way through the vibration speeds. This isn't as speedy as it might need to be.

The Laya is made out of elastomer and hard plastic, so it's easy to clean and there are no icky pthalates to make your vagina smell funny or cause health complications. You can get it wet, but don't submerge or boil it, as you don't want to damage the motor.

It comes in a variety of pretty colors. Mine is pink because I so love the irony of a girly-ass color on something I use for dirty things.

One drawback to this toy is that it uses AAA batteries instead of being rechargeable. It's waaaaaaay cheaper than rechargeable vibes, though, so if you're looking for an affordable vibe this might not matter that much to you. I'll be happy when I find a comparable toy that doesn't make me worry about the affect my masturbation has on my carbon footprint.

I love to lie on my stomach with the Laya between my legs while a man fucks me from behind. It's not quite small or soft enough to use during vaginal intercourse if you're really into the missionary position, but I'm sure you can be more creative than that. It's also easy to hold while a man or woman has a hand (or a few fingers) inside me.

The Bottom Line: I love the Laya, and recommend it for anyone who likes moderately strong clitoral stimulation.

Bodies and Sex

I’m reading a really great account of sex by a post-operative transsexual woman, and I just thought of something. This is pure speculation based on my understanding of Male to Female surgical procedures, which is limited and could definitely be wrong. But it’s a thought.

They cut the glans of the penis off and put it where the glans of the clitoris goes. (And, it seems do a second procedure to make it look like a clitoris.) They turn the shaft of the penis inside out and fashion it into a vagina. I don’t know how they deal with muscles, or the bulb of the penis or creating labia or any of that. But think about the process I’ve described for one second:

The penis (glans, shaft, bulb, etc) corresponds to the entire body of the clitoris (glans, legs, bulb, etc). Most of the body of the clitoris is inside the body, under the skin, and relatively hard to access. The vagina is not as enervated as the body of the clitoris. For most women, stimulation of the vagina cannot cause orgasm.

For a transsexual woman, her vagina is essentially a part of her clitoris. (Trans vagina=shaft of penis=legs of clitoris.) She experiences vaginal penetration much the way we experience clitoral stimulation. Her WHOLE vagina is her g-spot, since I think we can safely assume at this point that the g-spot exists because of the internal structures of the clitoris.

I bet that transsexual women who’ve had successful and skillful operations experience vaginal intercourse on an entirely different and probably more pleasurable level than most chromosomal women.

How cool is that?

Man, I wish I could switch bodies with a whole variety of people for a day or a week. What would sex feel like for a trans man? For any of the different kinds of intersexed people? For a man? For people of different ages? For someone with breast implants? For another woman with a different female body than mine? It would be so interesting.

I Love My Clitoris

I love it.

That is all.

(Photo taken from this blogger who borrowed it from Gray's Anatomy.)

Random Reaction to Class: Penis Envy

So I know that Freudian theory is pretty much out of fashion these days, and it's considered archaic and "nobody pays any attention to it anymore," but of course we're still studying it in school. It's the background for anything to do with any kind of psychological theory, and as such I think what it said still has an effect on what we think.

That said, I absolutely hate the idea of penis envy. I do not have penis envy. Penis envy makes me angry. "Oh, no, boys have a penis and I don't have a penis, so I am Lacking and I am sad!" Um, no.

I HAVE a vagina, and a clitoris, and lips, and moisture. I HAVE multiple orgasms and as they say in the Vagina Monologues "twice, twice, TWICE the number of nerve endings in the penis." I HAVE genitals of my own. I don't need a penis. Hell, I think a lot of guys have pussy envy.

That is all.